Am I really a Bad Person?

19 Oct

It’s past 12 midnight right now in the Philippines. I can’t sleep. Been cryin’ for an hour now I don’t know how to stop these tears from falling.

I don’t know what’s happenening to me. I’ve been a bad daughter, a bad Cristian and a bad person. I have done so.many things in my life that maybe even God cannot forgive. There are so many things you don’t know about me. Things that I haven’t told you. I do things that I regret. These past few months are thew worst. I have my mom’s ATM card and I’ve spent all the money there. That’s one of the reasons why we’re on a fight. I’ve tried looking for a job to replace all the money but I failed. Looking for a job in a third world country like the Philippines is like looking for an alive dinosaur. It’s impossible. Even if you have good credentials. And they want people with experience in working. I want to scream and tell those employers, “How can I get a working experience if you won’t hire me. Stupid.” Okay. Okay. So I stopped. I feel like I’m such a big fat loser. I’ve been depressed. Yeah really. I’ve been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder last August. Remember my blog post? The suicide thing? The problems enlisted there plus my mom’s money plus I couldn’t find a job = suicide. Yes. I committed suicide last August. That’s why I’ve been silent for more than a month. I’ve seen psyciatrist, gone to gym and taken medicines for anxiety and depression. After a month, I thought everything will be okay. But then again, my mom and I started to fight again. And now, it’s different. My whole family including my cousins, aunts and uncles are against me now. They are trying to help me but I’m pushing them away. I answer back to them. I don’t respect them anymore. Why am I like this? Why can’t I accept the fact that I’m the reason why all of these things are happening? Why do I have to feel this?

Why?

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