Archive | December, 2011

2011 — A Year To Remember

31 Dec

2011 is almost over. A year that will always have a place in my heart. It consists of bittersweet memories. A year that may changed life forever. A year that I have to say good bye now. This year has a lot of memories. Happy days. Sad moments. The most challenging year of my life.

One of the best memories I have this year is when I finished my Bachelor’s degree. I am now a graduate of Bachelor of Nursing but I have decided not to take the board exam because it’s not something I have dreamed of. I cannot see myself working in a hospital. I love being a nurse. I love helping people who are sick. I love putting smile on my patient’s face. But it’s not meant for me. I am proud of the nurses around the world because they have one of the hardest jobs on earth. And I am proud of myself because I become a student nurse in my lifetime.

Another memories worth remembering this year is when I have my vacation in Boracay and Nueva Ecija. It’s been my dream to explore the beauty of the Philippines and of course to travel the world. And it’s special ’cause I’m with my friends. I am at the weakest point of my life when I go to those two places. At least, for a short period of time, I forget my problems and just enjoy life with my friends, with nature and with God.

Before the year ends, I have met a lot of amazing people from WordPress. People who give me hope. You know who you are and I will always be thankful for those people.

And most of all, the best thing that happened to me this year is when Keanu, my shih tzu, came into my life. He always brings joy to me. He never leaves me. He knows when I am lonely and sad. He looks at me whenever I am crying as if he’s telling me everything will be alright. That he’s there for me no matter what happens. He’s my baby. He’s my little brother. He’s just a dog but he gives meaning in my life.

But life is not always being happy. We have ups and downs. Life can be so unfair most of the time. This year, my uncle, the only person in this world who always tell me that he’s proud of me, died. He’s one of the best people in my life and yet he left us here. I remember his proud face when I graduated. The times when he talks to me. The times when he tells me I am one of the most intelligent people in our family. He will always stay in my heart and mind.

Aside from my uncle’s death, a lot of problems arise this year. Problems in our family. It is all because of money. The reason of our family war. The reason of my depression. The reason why I’ve decided to end my life. Not once but twice. It’s hard to decide on my life’s fate. The medicines I have taken, the blade, the cigarette, they are all part of my life. This is my darkest year. It’s hard to have a mental illness like mine. It’s hard when you don’t have support from your family. And most of all, it’s so hard when people judge you for what you’ve done. They think you have a disease like tuberculosis, HIV or any disease that can be contagious. They don’t want you to be near them. And they will spread gossips that you are crazy.

My life in 2011 maybe worse or much better than other people. We can’t tell. It is based on other people’s perception. But in this year, God has given me two chances to live. I can’t promise that I will not commit suicide again. Promises are made to broken, right? But what I want now is to forget all of the bad things that happened to me. It’s not easy but I’ll try my best. I want to start a new beginning. I want to forgive those people who hurt me. I want to have work. I want to travel the world. I want my dreams to come to life. I want my life to be normal. I want to be a strong person.

As I’ve said, it’s not easy but I’ll do my best to make it possible.

Say hello to 2012 and good bye to 2011.

Happy New Year everyone.

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It’s Hard To Move On

30 Dec

I’ve started to see the light these past few days. I’m starting to look at the brighter side. With the my help of friends, WordPress people and my mom, I’m beginning to forget all the things from the past and I’m starting to move-on. Or that’s what I am making myself believe. This afternoon, all of the things my family have said and done to me start to pop in my head. I can hear their voices. I can feel their anger. And then I start to cry. It’s hard to forget my aunt, uncle and cousins have done. Instead of giving me love and support, they blame me for all the things that’s happening in our lives. Instead of comforting me, they put all my things outside their place and ask me to get the hell out of their house. They call me liar and crazy. Even my nephews and nieces believe that I am one and they tell them that I am going to hurt the kids. And much worse, they tell me that no one loves me. They have done enough damage in my heart and in my mind. The wounds in my heart are like the wounds in my hands. Until now, they are not yet healed and even though they are already healed, there are scars that will always remind me of the things from the past. I want to move on. I need to move on. I know a lot of people are helping me. My other cousins, my mom’s cousin, my mom, my friends and the WordPress people are all there to help me. But it’s hard to just forget everything. It’s hard to let the pain go away. I have forgiven my mom and she has forgiven me. She’s my mom, I love her and I’m willing to forget all the things she has said. But with my other relatives? I don’t know how long before I’ll begin to forgive and forget the things they have done.

My heart is in pain. My mind is troubled. My body is weak.

I’m not thinking of killing myself again but all I want is this pain to go away permanently and…

Forget the past and move on with my life.

Books Are On Their Way To My Place

30 Dec

With the help of Kuya Tom Baker, my wish of having lots of books are made possible. Of course with the help of his friend Carl Dorsey. Books are on their way to our place and it’s going to be the best gift I’ll be going to receive this coming year. Thank you Kuya Tom, Carl and the rest of the people who donate books and money just to make me happy. I don’t know how to repay your good deeds. I am overwhelmed because I met someone like you. We are all strangers at one point but now, you welcome me as part of your lives. And for me, you are all my family. My WordPress family. Thank you.

You can read Kuya Tom’s blog about the list of books and the compilation of songs (made possible by Carl). Just click the link International Priority Mail To The Philippines

Again, thank you and God bless you more.

An Actor Found Dead In His Car

29 Dec

It has been all over the news last night that Tyron Perez (a contender of a reality show, Starstruck 1) is found dead in an abandoned car. It is believed that he committed suicide. I feel sad for him. I can feel his pain. I can see his face crying while he is deciding which fate he will choose. It also breaks my heart that a lot of people are judging him because of what he did to himself. I want to defend him. I want to scream at those people. I want to tell them “You don’t know a thing about him so please stop judging him and just let him rest in peace.” We don’t know each other personally but I feel sorry for him. I just hope that he is happy wherever he is now. I know he is in good hands. And I hope he will find true happiness there.

••••••••••

After reading the news on twitter last night, I feel lifeless again. The number of suicide incidents are rising. Days after I first committed suicide, there are a lot of suicide news all over the country including the infamous gay couple in SM Pampanga. The gay shot his partner with a gun and then he shot himself after. They are both dead. Now, it is Tyron Perez, who is dead now. I keep on thinking why I am still on earth and they are not. Is it true that the reason I am here is because of God’s miracle? Maybe. Because I should be dead right now after what I did on my last suicide attempt. Maybe God is telling me that I haven’t fulfilled my purpose on earth.

I just hope that I’ll never hear a news about suicide again. I don’t wanna hear sad stories.

And I hope someday, I’ll learn the reason why God let me live the second time around. I want to know my..

Life’s purpose.

Thank You Kuya Tom

29 Dec

I woke up this morning with an email from a friend named Tom Baker. I met him here in WordPress just a few days ago. We’ve been sending emails to each other ever since then. I call him Kuya Tom while he calls me Bunso Anne. Kuya means older brother in Tagalog while Bunso is youngest sister/brother. Since I am an only child, I feel like he is my older brother. He’s been helping me to cope up with my emotional problems and he makes sure than I am always fine. He’s been asking me not to tell anyone my address. I’m asking for book donations before I leave because of that I have to tell my address to everyone who wants to send books to me. He told me that not all people are trustworthy. And I agree with him. So to make it easier for me, he write a blog post about me and asks for some books. Instead of sending directly to me, you have to send it to him and then his friend Carl, will send it to my address. You can read his blog post for the details on how you can help me Good News Concerning Our Friend Anne .

To Kuya Tom, again thank you for all your help and concern. And I will never forget the things you’ve done for me for the rest of my life.

Much love,
Bunso Anne

Book Donations For Me?

28 Dec

Some of my friends are already asking where I am going. Of course, I can’t tell them because my Mom and I agreed that it is going to be strictly confidential (though some of my WordPress friends know where I am going). But because I am leaving and again, I am telling you I don’t have my phone and an internet connection there as well as television, I need another means of entertainment. I’m asking for book donations. I don’t know how many months will it take me to stay there so I am sure there will be times that I’ll get bored. Some are asking what kind of books I want.

Here’s the list:

• Books about Fallen Angels, Vampires, Witches (I already have Vampire Diaries, True Blood, Beautiful Creatures first two books, Hush Hush’s first two books)
• Beautiful Chaos (Third sequel of the Beautiful Creatures’ series)
• Silence (Third sequel of the Hush Hush’s series)
• The Hunger Games series
• Mitch Albom books
• Paulo Coelho books

If you have a kind heart, you can send it to me. Just send me an email so I can tell you the details of our address.

***Sorry for being pretty thick-skinned of me. I can’t go to bookstores now because I am stuck at my mom’s workmate’s place. I am not allowed to go outside. 😦

1st Year Anniversary

28 Dec

Today marks the 1st Year Anniversary of my WordPress Blog, Annerifficweak. It has evolved from being just another wordpress blog to a personal blog. It has changed its blog name too, from “Strongest Among The Weakest” to “I Am Ms. Brightside”. How ironic because I am not strong and I can’t even look at the bright side of life this past few months. But I’ll try to be one. Promise.

Let me say THANK YOU to all of my blog readers. To my 25 followers, thank you for continuously supporting my blog. And to those who’ve been with me through the roughest and hardest days of my life, thank you for all the love, care and support you have given me. To all of my stalkers, haha, just kidding, thank you also for always visiting and checking up on how’s my life doing by reading my blog post. This blog has helped me a lot. I can write all of my feelings here without judgment from others. I can share my life’s ups and downs without people telling me, “I don’t care.” I’ve met different people from different sides of the world whom I considered as the best people in my life. Thank you. Thank you.

So, let us all greet I Am Ms. Brightside (formerly known as “The Strongest Among Weakest”) a HAPPY 1ST ANNIVERSARY.

***I hope you’ll continue to support my blog site and I hope to get more followers and readers too.