Stitches

20 Dec

These stitches would always remind all the pain, struggles and hurt that I experienced in my life. I would never forget the date August 24, 2011. The first time I committed suicide by taking 18 tablets of Mefenamic Acid. Recently, I did it again. Maybe I’m a psychotic. I am a suicidal. Last Friday, my mom and I fought because I asked for money. She’s not sending me money for three months and I had no more gadgets to sell. I was gonna used the money to have my passport and work as domestic helper/ nanny or caregiver in the nearby countries. She got angry and told things that I still never changed. I was still the same old Anne. I cried because until now she couldn’t forget the bad things that I’d done. The way I used her money to bought those gadgets that I thought would made me happy.. I thought she’d forgiven me but no. So I cried and then I saw my anti-anxiety drugs, Clonazepam. I knew from the start that overdosage of this drug may lead to comma. The doctor told me just to take 1/4 tablet to help me sleep. But on that day. I took 2 then I fell asleep. I wasn’t contented when I woke up. Then I took all the remaining tablets, 23 or 24 or 25. I couldn’t remember exactly how many. And then I bought a blade. I went to the room and slashed from left wrist. Real deep. Blood’s gushing down my shorts and floor. Then as I was slashing my right wrist, I collapsed. Maybe because of the drugs. Then I hear someone’s screaming. I couldn’t open my eyes. Somone’s carrying me. Then I woke up, still groggy I was at the clinic. They’re already cleaning my wounds. I knew one of the nurses there. Then I cried. I told her that I wanted to see Mom and Papa. I’d got 5 stitches and then we went home but I got a low grade fever. The next day I was shot with tetanus toxoid. I thought things will be different this time. Then my uncle and auntie came over. I couldn’t remember some of what their saying. But what they wanted to tell was I was a liar and I used my mom’s 100 thousand money. And she’s calling me an artist. You know the “paawa” affect. Because of that, I answered her back. “I’ve already sorry and punished myself because of that mistake but you never get over it. And also I didn’t stole it. I have my mother’s ATM card and she gave it to me. You’re telling the whole world that I’m a theft. But how about your daughter. How many times did she steal money from you, from your other daughter, from the NGOs money? I never told anyone about that but you, you want people to hate me.” Then she strted yelling and telling me that I shouldn’t mess with her family. And again, I was a liar according to them. And then I told her, you should stay away from our problems also because you’re just my uncle’s wife. Then my uncle slapped me really hard. A lot of people saw it. And he cursed that he’s going to kill me. I said, “go kill me. You think I’m afraid of dying?” And then after that my cousin, I don’t know why she’s annoyed but she keeps on getting mad at me. Telling me that I am crazy and I have schizo. And because I know a secret of her, I told the whole barangay that she’s having an affair with her daughter’s teacher. That’s the time she get all my things and told me to never come back.

I’m mad. I want revenge. I want them to see me successful. And those stitches and also the bruises I’ve got from the cigarettes, it will always remember what they did to me is unforgivable. I promise to God that they’ll kneel in front and will say sorry for what they did.

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41 Responses to “Stitches”

  1. themysteryof December 20, 2011 at 6:09 am #

    Please, never let this be real, for Christ’s sake, and for us all.

    • annerifficweak December 20, 2011 at 6:43 am #

      This isn’t a fiction blog. All stories written here are true. And yes, I committed suicide.

  2. renxkyoko December 20, 2011 at 8:23 pm #

    Anne, please ? You’re going to kill yourself for a measly hundred thousand pesos? is your life worth that much ? That’s just our plane fare to the Philippines ! ! ! Please, please, don’t do that anymore, for heaven’s sake ! ! Anne, it’s Christmas !

    And your relatives ! ! ! They are hateful ! ! How could they do that to you ! And it wasn’t even their money, it was your Mom’s that was given to you ! So you spent it for gadgets ! I know how much one gadget costs over there. Just one Blueberry already cost 35,000 pesos ! ! They did those things to you, even slapping you over money ? WTF ! !

    Anne, talk to us. You have my email , right ?

    Damn ! Oh, man…….. T.T

    • annerifficweak December 20, 2011 at 9:27 pm #

      that’s not the only reason Ren. They told everyone that I spent those money for my friends. You don’t know how much it hurts Ren. I’ve been crying for weeks now. And that money, that’s not really issue anymore. My first suicide last August? I told my mom that that was one of the reason I ended my life. I already paid the price. She’s not sending money. She’s not talking me. She said she already forgotten about it. But she kept on telling me that I spent her money. And my uncle and auntie and cousins, they should be the one who’ll understand me but what did they tell me, that I was crazy, I was liar. Now, I’m so sorry for my nephew because he was traumatized but what happened. My nine year-old nephew was the one who saw lying with blood all over the floor.

      Ren, I am suicidal and I kept hurting myself whenever someone hurts me emotionally.

      And you know why my uncle slapped me, I’ll quote what I told them, “You tell those people that I spent my mom’s money. She trusted her ATM card to me but your daughter. How many times did she stole from you. From other people. But you never told anyone.” And my aunt said, “You don’t care about my family. You’re really an actress. I answered her back, “I just telling the truth and you should stop caring for us too.” My mom’s cousins saw how uncle slapped me in the face. And the look in his eyes, he really wanted to kill me.

      Sorry Ren, I’m really crying now. ‘Cause I can still the pain. It’s just one mistake but all of them hates me especially that also told everyone their secrets.

      And now I don’t have a home, family and money. They want me to get put of their place. I have no place to go. Really Ren, I’m really hopeless. Sometimes, I wished no one saw on that room. I wished that I was dead now. The pain is still here. The things they’ve done and they’ve said.

      And mom, she believes in everything my uncle and aunt say. But she never believed in me. She even wants me to be in a mental institution.

      I don’t what to do with my life now. I don’t know where to go. ;:(

      • renxkyoko December 21, 2011 at 12:11 am #

        that’s not the only reason Ren. They told everyone that I spent those money for my friends. ” You don’t know how much it hurts Ren. I’ve been crying for weeks now. And that money, that’s not really issue anymore. My first suicide last August? I told my mom that that was one of the reason I ended my life. I already paid the price. She’s not sending money. She’s not talking me. She said she already forgotten about it. But she kept on telling me that I spent her money. And my uncle and auntie and cousins, they should be the one who’ll understand me but what did they tell me, that I was crazy, I was liar. Now, I’m so sorry for my nephew because he was traumatized but what happened. My nine year-old nephew was the one who saw lying with blood all over the floor. ”

        I know that’s not the only reason, but , from what you’re saying, it all boils down to money, money, money. And I can’t understand your mother, I’m sorry. You’ve attempted suicide because of Her money that you supposedly spent. Tha natural response of a real, loving mother is to beg you not to do that anymore and to forget whatever it is you were supposed to have done just as long as you’re safe and happy. And you’re realatives ! Geezzzzuz ! Instead of keeping you safe and protecting you, what did they do? They kicked you out of their home? They know you have nowhere to go, and what does your mother say about it ? Nothing ? Of course, nothing ! Sorry, Anne, for saying this about your relatives and your own mother. Please be strong,, live, and seek help, too… some sort of intervention. Oh, gosh, what kind of people are they ? Be strong ! Something will come up, just be patient… then kick their asses ! ! !

      • annerifficweak December 21, 2011 at 2:09 am #

        I don’t know Ren. They say that I only hurt myself to manipulate them and get what I want. Ren, I’m really tired of this life. They don’t give me second chance. And you know what, after what happened to me, no one ever visited me. Ren, it hurts so much. I couldn’t sleep and eat for 3 days already because of what happened. And one of my cousins told me that no one loves me.

  3. renxkyoko December 21, 2011 at 3:32 am #

    Bullshit that cousin of yours ! Damn them to hell. You just attempted to kill yourself and even now had the temerity to say no one loves you ? Shut the fuck up, that cousin ! I’m getting angry. Oh, my God ! This is unbelievable. I’m speechless ! Be strong, Anne. Live ! ! !

    • annerifficweak December 21, 2011 at 3:38 am #

      Don’t get mad Ren. It’s my fight. Besides, I’ll be leaving tomorrow. Some of my friends asked me if I wanted to stay at their place. I’ll just borrow money ’cause I need it for my medications and also for the transportation. But you know what hurts more, saying goodbye to my nephews and nieces. They were all crying when I told them that I might not come back.

  4. Tom Baker December 26, 2011 at 2:59 pm #

    Anne. I was looking for an email address so we could spend some time writing to one another because I don’t want to take all your comment space. Try to put yourself in the position of a friend who was in the same exact situation as you. Would you try to keep them from committing suicide? Would you try to do everything possible to keep them alive. Yes you would and that is how people feel about you.

    You told Ren that it is your battle. That is not exactly true. You are a believer in God so the battle is His to fight for you. You pray and give your situation over to Him and He will fight and win your battles! He will either change the situation for you OR change you, giving you the strength to deal with the situation. God did not give you life for you to decide when it is over.

    That is a nasty looking scar for such a beautiful person. Let it always be a reminder to you that you are meant to live, to survive and to thrive. The horrible things your family members do and say just show how shallow they are and how much they need help. Pray for them!

    I really wish there was a place for you to go. I do think you need to seek counseling and perhaps find another place to live. Is there something like that for you? Don’t feel bad that your family treats you a certain way. Family doesn’t always mean what it is supposed to. It really just means you didn’t get a choice. Friends however, you do get to choose and if you pick carefully can be closer to you than family.

    Do me a favor Anne. The reason for my post doesn’t really apply here, but I do think you might benefit from reading it. Please read my post, the most beautiful girl in the world. Here is the link: http://morningerection.wordpress.com/2010/08/27/the-most-beautiful-girl-in-the-world/

    Contact me anytime you want and I will send some friends you way as well.

    • annerifficweak December 26, 2011 at 3:13 pm #

      My email address is iamtonianne@yahoo.com . You can contact me there. It is nice of you for being concern with me. A stranger like me. I feel loved. My mom, we’re okay now. But my other relatives, we’re still not in good terms. The truth, I can’t remember writing this blog post. I was shocked when I saw those are written here. I even have a picture of scar. The doctor said, it’s post-traumatic memory loss/amnesia. Honestly, this’s the second time I tried to kill myself and I’d seen a psychiatrist before. This January, I’ll be going to a mental institution. No, not really a mental institution but a rehabilitation center for depressed people and suicidal. I think that is the right place for me. I’ll be there for quite awhile. No phones. No internet. I need to heal. Heal the wounds in my heart and clear my mind. Thank you, really, for taking time reading my blog and giving advices. I appreciate that.

      And oh, I’ll read your blog tomorrow, I’m just using my WordPress for Blackberry.

  5. Tom Baker December 26, 2011 at 3:20 pm #

    I will email you – my new friend!

    • annerifficweak December 26, 2011 at 3:23 pm #

      Sure, I’ll reply as soon as I receive it. Thank you Tom. 🙂

      • Tom Baker December 26, 2011 at 3:49 pm #

        Anne, I sent it but might wind up in your spam folder.

      • annerifficweak December 26, 2011 at 3:52 pm #

        Sorry it took me awhile before I read your email. I just finished cleaning my wrist wound and cigarette burns. I already replied to your message.

  6. TemptingSweets99 December 26, 2011 at 4:46 pm #

    Hi Anne: I am sending you good thoughts and a prayer that all will go well for you. Despite negative things that happen to us and happen around us and despite negative people, life can still be good. Life IS good. The New Year is coming. I know that 2011 will be a good one for you. Try to think positive thoughts and do more positive things for yourself (the rehab center is a great idea). You are definitely worth it. Much love and a hug!

    • annerifficweak December 26, 2011 at 9:52 pm #

      Hi TemptingSweet. yes, I should be optimistic that in every challenge, there is prize waiting for me. I hope that I’ll leave all negative thoughts of 2011 when 2012 comes. And I hope 2012 will be year. Thank you for the love and support.

  7. mswillz December 26, 2011 at 7:05 pm #

    Be encouraged.Weeping and pain are but for a day. Hold your head high. We all have a purpose in this life. Sometimes our loved ones will not see the obvious but don’t let it be your deterrent. Everything you do must be for you, the rest will follow. Keep on keeping on and be strong. One love.

    • annerifficweak December 26, 2011 at 9:56 pm #

      You are right, we all have a purpose in life. God let me live because I still haven’t fulfilled my purpose. This is my third life and I hope that suicide will not enter my mind again. Thank you and I’ll try my best to be strong.

  8. Inside the Mind of Isadora December 26, 2011 at 7:57 pm #

    Anne,
    I found your blog through Tom. He is a good blog friend to have. He directed his bloggers to read your post – Stitches. It is a very alarming one. I am writing because I had a Mothers who was very depressed and did not get help. As a child, I suffered the loss of her presence. You are important to have here on earth. You should not allow your life to be dictated by what others think ansd say. It is good that you are intelligent to know that in getting help you are not weak. It is a journey for you to becaome strong in who you are and not falter from it.

    May your troubled heart find peace and comfort in the knowledge that you are
    never alone. May God’s presence ease your trembling spirit and give you rest.
    He is there to cast sunlight into all of your darkened shadows, to send encouragement
    through the love of friends and family, and to replace your weariness with new hope.

    Blessings to you …
    Isadora

    • annerifficweak December 26, 2011 at 10:01 pm #

      Hi, Isadora. Yes, Tom is a good blog friend. And you are, too for giving me words that may help me realize that I should get going with my life. I’m so sorry for your loss. If my two suicide attempts were successful, maybe my mother lost her only child. I hope in the rehabilitation center, I can find peace of mind and wounded heart will be healed. And when I come back, I hope I’ll be a better person, a strong person. Thank you so much Isadora.

      • Inside the Mind of Isadora December 28, 2011 at 1:30 pm #

        And … I hope we can get to know each other, too.
        God Bless …!!!!

      • annerifficweak December 29, 2011 at 2:36 am #

        Yes. I hope so, too.
        God bless you more.

  9. Saara December 27, 2011 at 7:33 am #

    Be brave, dearest! And live! You don’t need the world. Don’t care what they say. You have God, Anne. He’ll always look out for you, just have faith in Him. I hope you heal and I shall pray for you. Just don’t lose hope and don’t ever hurt yourself. I, at one point of my life, thought that my aching wrists would stop the ache in my heart. But it’s not right, Anne. You yourself know that somewhere. Please don’t ever hurt yourself, we are all here for you. If you need a friend, just give us a shout and we’ll be there.

    Have faith in God and He’ll always help you. I wish you great health, both physical and emotional.
    Take care, love.

    • annerifficweak December 27, 2011 at 7:45 am #

      Thank you for the words of encouragement Saara. I forgot to have faith in Him when everything in my life seemed so wrong. That’s the biggest mistake I’ve ever did. And I promise that I’ll always have faith in Him ’cause I know God loves and He let me live for a reason. People like you give me hope to move forward to a better future and look into the brighter side of life. Thank you again. And I’ll keep you posted on what’s going to happen in my rehabilitation.

      Anne

  10. ladywithatruck December 27, 2011 at 3:23 pm #

    Hello Anne, I was directed to your blog by a good friend Mystery Coach and my heart aches for you. I know the pain of having family lie about what I had done in order to hide what they had done and because money was their priority. My brother lied about me and told my mother I was doing what he himself was doing, I also was put out on the street with no where to go because of money.

    It was excruciatingly painful, I just wanted out of my body because I hurt so badly. I know a woman who cuts herself and burns herself and she said she does it because she wants people to see her pain the pain she has deep inside that no one seems to understand.

    You are getting help and that is good, you are strong, your family is weak, only weak people throw a family member (anyone) to the wolves to save themselves. I know right now or maybe a few days down the road you will again feel you are not strong enough to go on but remember your nieces and nephews, they need you, you don’t want them to think suicide is the answer do you? What if the family does this to them they will need their auntie to help them and you could be there to help them. If you kill yourself the problem continues but you can change things, you can succeed, you can show true strength and love and make life better for your nieces and nephews. The truth always comes out and God will deal with these people in his time.

    You can show your nieces and nephews what true love and family is all about. I know you will, I feel it deep inside that you are going to overcome this because you what to be there for your young nieces and nephews.

    I want to share with you that I thought I had lost my mother over money and someone’s lies about me, it’s been two years and my heart was breaking and you know what? She called me Christmas morning and is lending me money I desperately need. Things do change, the truth will come out.

    Know you are loved, we can’t choose our family and some people don’t love us and cherish us like we deserve to be loved but that doesn’t make us unloveable it just shows how weak they are and maybe they weren’t loved like they needed to be loved at some time in their lives. You have the strength and power to stop this cycle in your family.

    Be strong my friend, I care and I love you and I want to know how you are doing. I will be checking to make sure you are ok. I know you won’t have the internet for awhile but that’s ok, I’ll keep coming back until you are back I won’t desert you, promise! You are loved! You are special! Live!!

    • annerifficweak December 27, 2011 at 4:52 pm #

      It’s nice to know that someone out there knows the feeling of being betrayed, abandoned and not loved by a family member. Why? Because I know that you will not judge for I’ve done but I know that you’ll help me overcome my problem that I am facing. You have a sincere heart and I am touched that someone out there will check up on me even we’re just strangers. Thank you for the words of love and encouragement.

      Love,
      Anne

  11. themysteryof December 27, 2011 at 4:13 pm #

    anne,

    I’m glad to hear your last comment. A wonderful thing about God is that he really loves us and only wants to help. He’s not like many people who only want something from us, and really don’t care about the inner person. One of the prophetic names for Jesus is Immanuel, which means “God is with us.” He is with us, though we might not always know. He knows how we feel, and the suffering of Jesus is the suffering of God because of this world. He hurts too, and he will help us.

    • annerifficweak December 27, 2011 at 4:56 pm #

      Yes, you are definitely right. God with us and He will never let us fall. He’s always there to save us. He loves us more than anyone ever loved us.

  12. Sabina Brave December 27, 2011 at 4:45 pm #

    As long as you can breath, everything is possible.
    It’s sad, when people, who should give you support are bringing you down. Be successful but for yourself, not for them.
    I saw kids dying from cancer. Their pain was terrible, but they still wanted to live. You are young and healthy. All the best is still before you.
    Stop crying over yourself. Move on and make your life better.
    I was trying to die, because somebody broke my heart. I’ll never do that anymore. Nobody is worth it. Especially people, who don’t care for us.
    As long as I can breath I will fight for my life. And you should do the same.
    Love and hugs,
    Sabi

    • annerifficweak December 27, 2011 at 5:05 pm #

      I agree with you that there are sick people who try to be alive. I am a nurse myself so I’ve already encountered many people who do everything they can to prolong their lives. And yet, here I am, wasting my life thinking no one loves me. Anger, hatred and pain are over-empowering me. I am not saying I’ll never do that again ’cause it takes time before I can heal all the wounds in my heart but I’ll do whatever I can to stay alive. Thank you Sabi.

      Love,
      Anne

      • Sabina Brave December 27, 2011 at 5:20 pm #

        You’ll get happiness in life. Just give it a chance.
        As long as you can breath, everything is possible 🙂
        Never give up on your self!
        Heal your wounds, and be happy!
        God bless you,
        xox

      • annerifficweak December 27, 2011 at 6:00 pm #

        Yes, I’ll get happiness in life. Maybe not now but I know I’ll be happy soon.

  13. Barefoot Baroness December 27, 2011 at 5:44 pm #

    Anne, I am not the one to say, Don’t hurt yourself” Why? Because if this is what you decide to do no telling you different is going to change that.

    What I am going to say is that a lot of us live in Hell on earth, and are surrounded by evil, family we cannot choose but are stuck with through blood.

    I want you to know that though you may not be feeling it you are valuable to me, to this world. You family have issues that are above anything you are equipped to deal with. You must save Anne.

    I am wishing for you to wait until you are able disengage yourself from this hateful enviroment. Until you can learn that life does not have to be full of hateful people who are supposed to let you feel safe. to meet others who will show you just what a beautiful thing love can be. It does not always have to hurt.
    My prayer for you today is that just for a few minutes at a time you love yourself enough to see that there is a whole world out here who is begging to know you. To love and cherish you. You are so worth it and those who see it another way are the ones who have real issues. Your misfortine is that you were born into this. This is not your fault. This is all on the family of yours who has issues and problems that run far deeper than either you or I could know.
    Remember sweetie, it’s them, not you who is messed up.

    • annerifficweak December 27, 2011 at 6:07 pm #

      Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate that you care for me, for my life. It’s been a rough month and I’m looking forward on becoming a better person this coming year. I hope all the hurtful feeling will vanish.

      Thank you for believing that it’s not my fault.

      Anne

  14. Paul Orr December 28, 2011 at 3:51 am #

    Anne, I’ve been where you are. My pain was more mental than physical, and there were several very dark nights, when I thought that I couldn’t take it anymore, but I realised that the darker it got, the more I needed help. I prayed, and God answered. I was led to people who could, and did help me.
    Please Anne. Talk to someone and know that there are people who care about you.
    Paul

    • annerifficweak December 28, 2011 at 7:55 am #

      Hi Paul. Thanks for the concern. I’m talking to a lot of people here in WordPress these past few days. They care about me though we haven’t met in person. I love them and I thank them for that.

  15. Broken Sparkles January 8, 2012 at 8:41 am #

    Dear Anne, I found your blog through Tom’s posts. A bit late, but I still hope I can offer you my friendship and a communication via e-mails to get to know you! I am now sending one to the e-mail I saw from the comments! I do hope 2012 will be a better year for you and know, you are not alone, despite the fact that I don’t know you, I am here for you!!! I hope you will reply to my e-mail when you get the chance!

    • annerifficweak January 8, 2012 at 12:45 pm #

      Hi Braga. I’ve received you email and I’ve already confirmed you as a friend in Facebook. I’ll reply on your email later. 🙂

      Anne

  16. WordsFallFromMyEyes January 8, 2012 at 11:06 am #

    Hi Anne, First I read your post and then all those comments!!

    I can hardly believe you were so honest and open about the account of attempted suicide. You took so many of those pills – I don’t know why you’re not in a coma. I am just so glad though, that you came around.

    I really hope you are stronger this year – stronger than getting engaged into talks or fights or whatever with people who don’t know you, they only guess you. YOU know you, & I would be happy with that.

    Suicide is a sorry subject in my family, so I was blown away to come by your blog & read this. Here’s to 2012, to you being well 🙂

    Noeleen (from Australia!)

    • annerifficweak January 8, 2012 at 12:48 pm #

      Hi Noeleen.

      Honestly, I don’t remember writing this blog and taking that photo above. Well, the doctor said it’s maybe because my mind was troubled that time that I forgot most of the things I had done at that time. Most ikely a post-traumatic amnesia.

      And yes, with those pills, I should be in coma right now. Well, I guess it’s God’s miracle. He still wants me to enjoy life and look into the brightside.

      thank you by stopping by.

      Anne 🙂

  17. themysteryof January 15, 2012 at 5:04 pm #

    Anne,

    Another thing that I think you already know, please be careful who you accept “help” from. Sometimes “help” can hurt more than anything. God bless you.

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