It’s Hard To Move On

30 Dec

I’ve started to see the light these past few days. I’m starting to look at the brighter side. With the my help of friends, WordPress people and my mom, I’m beginning to forget all the things from the past and I’m starting to move-on. Or that’s what I am making myself believe. This afternoon, all of the things my family have said and done to me start to pop in my head. I can hear their voices. I can feel their anger. And then I start to cry. It’s hard to forget my aunt, uncle and cousins have done. Instead of giving me love and support, they blame me for all the things that’s happening in our lives. Instead of comforting me, they put all my things outside their place and ask me to get the hell out of their house. They call me liar and crazy. Even my nephews and nieces believe that I am one and they tell them that I am going to hurt the kids. And much worse, they tell me that no one loves me. They have done enough damage in my heart and in my mind. The wounds in my heart are like the wounds in my hands. Until now, they are not yet healed and even though they are already healed, there are scars that will always remind me of the things from the past. I want to move on. I need to move on. I know a lot of people are helping me. My other cousins, my mom’s cousin, my mom, my friends and the WordPress people are all there to help me. But it’s hard to just forget everything. It’s hard to let the pain go away. I have forgiven my mom and she has forgiven me. She’s my mom, I love her and I’m willing to forget all the things she has said. But with my other relatives? I don’t know how long before I’ll begin to forgive and forget the things they have done.

My heart is in pain. My mind is troubled. My body is weak.

I’m not thinking of killing myself again but all I want is this pain to go away permanently and…

Forget the past and move on with my life.

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6 Responses to “It’s Hard To Move On”

  1. Barefoot Baroness December 30, 2011 at 11:52 am #

    I will not pretend to know all of what has happened in your life. But I do need to say that as long as you are allowing these people/your family effect you they are still having a negetaive impact on you. Even though they may be out of your life you also must get them out of your head. Do not let them have the power of still being able to hurt you.

    About forgiveness. This is something you must do for you. Not them. Any one who loves you does ot do unkind and hurtful things like happened to you. To hang on to this is having leaving far more scars than on your hands. Please let forgiveness grow in your heart, believe that someone or someones ewho are capable of doing such awful and horrid acts are defetive. Believe they are souless people who need prayers. I know it sounds impossibe but becoming indifferent does not mean forgetting.

    Remember this, it up to our own minds and hearts how much power we let some one else have over us.

    • annerifficweak December 31, 2011 at 5:25 am #

      I should learn how to forgive. But it’s not easy. It’s painful. I want to forget what the things they’ve done but I keep remembering them. Maybe, it will take time before I learn how to forgive and forget.

  2. Tom Baker December 31, 2011 at 2:28 am #

    You are a strong person Anne and I am very proud of you. It takes a brave person to take a stand to do what is right for herself when your heart and mind is troubled and your spirit is weary. Forgiveness does not have to come right away. The most important thing is to not be bitter towards them. Bitterness only eats away at you.

    You will make it and it will hurt and it will take time but please just take it one day at a time. I have a song I want you to listen to.

    Here are the lyrics but I want you to see the video. Promise me you will watch the video and take her words to heart.

    Hold On

    You’ve got dreams and you’ve got goals
    There’s a vision burning down in your soul
    But hold on
    There’s nothing that you can’t do
    You’ve gotta be driven, motivated too
    Stir up the gift that God has placed in you
    Hold on
    The future’s looking bright for you

    Chorus
    No matter how hard it seems, yeah
    Never give up, always believe
    And hold on
    Hold on to your dreams
    Though your facing adversities – you gotta know
    You can still be all you wanna be
    Just hold on
    Hold on to your dreams

    Determination is the key
    In this cold world, if you’re gonna succeed
    Hold On
    There’s nothing that you can’t do
    Don’t be discouraged by the trials you face
    ‘Cause your beautiful mind would be a terrible thing to waste
    Hold on, hold on
    The futures looking bright for you

    No matter how hard it seem – no matter no matter how hard it seems
    Never give up, always believe – don’t you give up, believe
    And hold on
    Hold on to your dreams
    Though your facing adversities
    You can still be all you wanna be
    Just hold on
    Hold on to your dreams

    Hold on, be strong
    (Never let nobody tell you can’t make it)
    Hold your head up high, keep your eyes on the prize
    (Your dreams are meant for you to obtain)
    And your labor is not in vain

    You know the negative things in your life that make you think that your dreams are impossible and you’ll never be able to overcome that
    you have to deal with all kinds of things: today, your past, regrets all of those things
    you may be dealing with drugs, alcohol, maybe teenage pregnancy, peer pressure, violence, I don’t know
    You may be dealin’ with the thought of suicide
    But I wanna tell you something
    If you don’t believe in yourself, who else will?
    God has a plan for you

    No matter how hard it seem
    Never give always believe
    And hold on
    Hold on to your dreams
    Though your facing adversities
    You can still be all you wanna be
    Just hold on
    Hold on to your dreams

    No matter how hard it seem
    Never give always believe
    And hold on
    Hold on to your dreams
    Though your facing adversities
    You can still be all you wanna be
    Just hold on
    Hold on to your dreams

    It’s gonna be alright, alright, alright

    • annerifficweak December 31, 2011 at 5:31 am #

      Thank you Kuya Tom for always believing that I can face it all. For believing I am a strong person. Sorry I can’t watch the video now. I am only using my phone but I’ll watch it, I promise.

  3. Barefoot Baroness December 31, 2011 at 3:43 pm #

    Really beautiful words to LIVE by. I heard a friend recently use the word THRIVE in place of survive. I’d like to think of you THRIVING Anne, not just surviving whereever you may be.
    It’s an incredible difference. Although as I said before I will not pretend to know all what pains your heart & mind as well as your body. I too know pain. Pain of the physical kind from a chronic illness, pain that riddles my body 24/7. I thought I was by surviving as I was doing well. I am doing well because actually I am really THRIVING….

    Come on girl, join me and thrive away…..

    By the way, great song Pastor Tom!

    • annerifficweak January 1, 2012 at 3:00 am #

      Thriving. Yes, that’s the best word to describe us. There’s a big difference between surviving and thriving.

      I know, someday, we will get rid of those pains. Physical or emotional as long as we continue to thrive!

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