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Suicidal Thoughts

6 Aug

Have you ever feel that you’re alone and no one understands you? The feeling that you’re tired of all the things happening around you? You have no one to talk to but yourself? And all you’ve ever wanted at that moment is to end all of your sufferings?

If you’re going to ask me those questions, my answer is YES! I feel so alone. I feel like no understands me. No one knows that I have a problem because no one ever asks me. I have under a lot of stress lately. I don’t know what to do. All I can do is cry, cry and cry. I’m afraid this will lead to depression or maybe I am on that state already. All I want is for them to understand me. I want support from my family and friends. But instead, they are the one who hurt me emotionally and physically(when I was a child).

It all started when I was living with my uncle. I was 2 years old back then. His wife would beat me whenever I did something she didn’t like. I remember one time, I was drinking softdrinks and suddenly it split and it stained my dress. She beat me and my uncle did nothing. Imagine, he’s my uncle and all he did was watched my aunt beat me up until I got bruises. I never told my mom about this(my mom’s working abroad up to now).

When I was in Grade 3, I should be the on the “Top 3 Most Outstanding Students” but my teacher back then was my classmate’s aunt. So she switched our places and I became the Top 4 and he became the Top 3. I didn’t complain although it made me feel bad because that’s me! I just kept my feelings to myself rather than telling it to other people. But that incident affected my studies. Since then, I never studied my lessons. I got low grades and from being Top 4, I became Top 8.

And then when I was in 5th grade, my grandmother told me that my father would never live with us because he had a family even before he met my mother. When my mother came back to the Philippines for a vacation, I didn’t brought up the topic to her. I was to afraid to know the truth. But one night, she asked me what I knew. I didn’t answer her question and all I could do was cry(I’m very good at it). And then she told me the truth. You know what, ever since a kid, all I’d ever wanted was to be with my parents and live a very happy life. But that night, I knew that my dream would never come true.

Right after my elementary graduation, I went to the city. I left my friends and all the people I knew behind to have a better education. But here, i met the worst people in the world. The bully ones. Yes, I’d been bullied by my “friends”. Of all the people in our class, my friends were the one who made my highschool life miserable. They said bad things about my appearance. My curly hair and they even told me that I had body odor. I never confronted them. I thought that it would just made things worst. So I called my mom and cried. I told her everything but she did nothing. For four years, I lived in a place called hell.

College, okay this was the happiest moment of my life. I told to myself, “You’re free now. You will never see them again.” Happiest and yet the worst. Why? Because I took B.S. Nursing. I never dreamed of becoming a nurse. But of course, my mom’s the one who decided it. I also met people who wanted to be with me when they needed something. This’s when I’d got my first and second heartbreak. I never had a boyfriend because I was fat. I had friends but are they really my friends?

And now, I’m already done with college but I still have a lot of problems(just read my previous posts).

Because of those things I’ve already told you, I think that my life is a big mess. No one will care whether I’m gone or not. and let me tell you something, I have passive suicidal ideation(wanting to die but has no plans of killing myself) before. But after what happened this past few days and after reading the book entitled “Thirteen Reasons Why”, I’ve thought of ending my life again. But now, I’m serious. You may think I’m crazy. Yes maybe I am. But I have the signs of a suicidal person. I answered a questionnaire about signs of suicide here http://www.stopasuicide.org/signs.aspx and then the result is “If you checked boxes under Parts I and II, the suicide risk is even higher.”

Other than that, my other signs are hopelessness, depression, lost of interest in activities, persistent thoughts about the possibility of something bad happening, anxiety, insomnia/sleep deprivation, sudden change of appearance(got a hair cut after almost a year). If you read this, maybe you’re going to ask me, “If you’re really serious about of ending your life, then why would you write it in here?” The answer is……… none of my friends and relatives knows about my blog site. Actually there is one. But I doubt that he’ll going to visit this site again. I hope he’s not too late when read this.

Or maybe, I just want you, YES YOU, to help me.

Lonely

28 Jul

Earphones on. Music on full blast. —— That’s what I do whenever I feel sad and lonely.

These past few days are the worst days of my life. I feel so alone in this place called “Earth”. I feel like no one really cares about me. I’ve been crying for so many days and nights. Every minute, I’m checking my phone if I have a new message. But hey, no one ever bothers to phone me. What makes me sadder right now is that I have a big big big problem with my family. And I want to tell it to my friends but where are they??? Do I really have one?

And now, all I can do is listen to music, cry and write all my feelings here so everyone can read it.

Review Class

21 May

Hello there!!! I’m back!!! It’s been more than a month since I last posted here in WordPress. I’m kinda busy last month. And also my mom’s here in the Philippines. She prohibited me from using my laptop!

Summer started last month but I couldn’t go the beach. Why??? Because although I’ve already graduated college, I still have to enroll in a review class for the upcoming Nursing Licensure Exam. Sad. 😦 Actually what makes me sad is the fact that I’m away from my college friends. My mom insisted that I should enroll here in Bataan so “I could concentrate on my review class”. Arggg!!! And congratulations to me because I finally found a friend in my review class. In one month, I only got one friend. How nice is that? I am friendly person but almost all of my classmates know each other. They already have group of friends. I feel like a loner. 😦 And that one friend of mine is always absent!!!! Grrrr.

I am not enjoying my review class and the fact that I don’t even like our review center.

I badly miss my friends. I want to have group study with them. I want to be back in Manila. 😦

Graduation Day

17 Apr

After 16 years of studying, finally, I am now a degree holder. I’m a proud alumna of Far Eastern University – Institute of Nursing.

April 12, 2011, tuesday, 12:00 noon, PICC, Pasay City, Metro, Manila.

One chapter of my life has ended. And I thank my family especially my mom, my friends and God for being with me and supporting me all the way. Now I have to face the new chapter of my life. New friends, new challenges ahead. Though I am not yet ready, I know God will help ME face it all. 🙂

Now here are some of my snapshots on my graduation day. 🙂


With Nicole. One of closest friends in our class and in FEU. we became friends when I invited her and her group of friends to go partying. I’ll definitely miss her. She’ll be going to US this year and will stay there for good. 😦


Meet AJ. My childhood friend. We’ve been friends for almost 16 years. Way my back in preparatory, he’s our salutatorian. Then we’re classmates again for 6 years in grade school, and he’s our batch valedictorian. In highschool, he’s also a valedictorian but at that time we studied from different schools. Then at college, we’re schoolmates again. and guess what, he graduated CUM LAUDE!!! I am so proud of him!


With Imogen. We call each other Labs. She’s also the first one to call me TONYANG. After that, it’s been my official nickname in our class.


And I am with our class pride, JOHN!!! He’s the only CUM LAUDE in our class. I’ve known him for 4 years. Though he couldn’t remember the time we first met. Hahaha. :))


Tantanan!! With Jorel!!! 🙂 Our first picture together!!! At least we had our picture taken before I left Manila. 🙂 I’m glad I met him. He’s been a good friend to me. 🙂



My best guy friend, *Patrick. I love him like a brother and also I love him more than a friend. I will always remember the times we’ve spent together. Our happy and sad moments. The times we had stupid quarrels. It’s just so sad that I wasn’t able to tell him how much I love him ’cause he has a girlfriend. 😦 Actually that’s fine with me as long as he’s happy with his relationship. I know that although he has a girlfriend, I will always be special to him. 🙂 Our last week together will always be remembered. And before we part ways, we hugged each other tightly as if there’s no tomorrow. The warmest hug I’ve ever received. I know our friendship will last FOREVER! 🙂

CONGRATULATIONS FEU – IN Batch 2011. Good luck to our upcoming BOARD EXAM. I know we can all make it!!! BRING BACK THE GLORY TO FAR EASTER UNIVERSITY. 🙂

Counting Down The Days

28 Mar

Our last month together. This blog is a compilation of pictures of me and my BSN123 family. I’m gonna miss them.


with Christian and John. We’ve been classmates for 7 semesters. I love these two guys so much. ❤


Group 89 with our favorite Nursing Audit proctor, Sir Jasfer! He’s not photogenic but he’s actually a cutie. Almost every girl in our institute has a crush on him. Hahaha. 😀


BSN123 at Angel’s Hills Retreat House. We don’t like the speakers of the retreat but we all love the idea that WE’RE TOGETHER: this’s a first in our class history!


with my seatmate Frances. We’ve been seatmates since our friend, Itosino, dropped out. I love this girl so much. And we love Itosino too.


One last picture with Lucky. Hahaha. FYI, he WAS my crush way back 2010. Hahaha. 😀


We called it “EPIC NIGHT”. This is our class celebration for this coming graduation. YEHEY! It’s just so sad that most of my classmates were not able to come. 😦 But we really enjoyed this day/night! P.S. Do you like our shirt?


Before LUCKY there was JAESON. He’s Jaeson. He’s my first crush in our classroom.


Marie. Marie. Marie. She’s my best friend in our classroom. I miss her and I love her soooo much. *big hug*


the LAST but not the LEAST. My favorite group in BSN123. GROUP 89! I will surely miss them especially we have so much UBE moments this last few weeks. We always have our “HULING KAIN” *last meal) that’s why we’re all FAT now. We always eat as if there’s no tomorrow. Although some say that our group doesn’t exist because of my quiet groupmates, I don’t care! I still love them. For me, there is no such group as 89A or 89B, just 89!

Counting down the days ’til graduation makes me happy and sad. Happy to finally finished college. Sad because me and my classmates need to part ways. The feeling is bittersweet. 😦

Well, whatever happens to us, I believe we will be all successful.
Instead of saying GOOD BYE to them, I’m going to say SEE YOU SOON!

This is not the END, it is only the START of a NEW BEGINNING.!

CONGRATULATIONS GUYS!!!!!

Anonymous

2 Feb

I want to keep myself anonymous. I am using a pseudo name here in WordPress. The primary reason is I don’t want my friends to read my blog. It’s fine with me when others whom I don’t personally know read my blog. I’m afraid that when my friends read my entries, they will have different interpretation than what I really mean.

My friends keep bugging me about my wordpress account. They are dying to read my entries. Maybe I am over-exaggerated. But I don’t know, I keep receiving messages from my friends asking what my wordpress account is. I try to tell them that my account is for myself only. I also try to tell them that if they want to read my entries, they have to give me their wordpress account first. I’m using bargaining now. Hahaha. 😀

Am I fair to them for not telling them my wordpress account or am I being selfish?

5 Years From Now

31 Jan

The clock is ticking. Graduation is coming. New life for us. New experiences and new challenges to over come.

I never see it coming. Living with my own after graduation. Leaving the safe corners of our classroom. Parting ways with the best people I’ve met in my life, my college friends.

Thinking about all of the bad things that happened to me way back from freshman year to first semester of senior year makes me happy because finally, after four years of hard work, I will be able to give my diploma to my Mom. No more stressful days and sleepless nights. No more exams, return demonstration, thesis, projects et cetera. Those are the things students don’t want in their life. We all want to get rid of those things. Those things only ruin our remaining days in college.

But also makes me sad. Really sad. Sometimes, it makes me wanna cry. My last two years in college are the best moments I have. I have the best section, the best group, the best friends in the whole wide universe. Graduating means, we have to part ways. We have to go back to our home. After graduation, no more sleep-over’s at friend’s house. No more out of towns. No more parties. No more manicure – pedicure. No more movie dates. No more dinners. No more drink-all-you-can marathon. No more DVD marathon. No more happiness with them. No more time with them. No more things we used to do.

It’s killing me. They are like my siblings. We’re like a one big happy family. Our section are inseparable. Now, we have to go to our own path, do we still have time for each other? Can we still do the things we used to do??

After 5 years, can they still remember our happy moments? Do we still have communication?

……Can they still remember me? 😦

If This Isn’t Love, Then What Is It?

30 Jan

I had a guy friend. We always teased each other. We always hang around in school. We ate lunch together sometimes. We fooled arounf

We’re not really close at first but I’d known him for almost 4 years. I met him when I enrolled in our school. We’re both part-scholar. After 2 years, we became classmates but he couldn’t remember me. Ouch! One reason was I was fat now and I was skinny way back in 2007. Still, we’re not close at that time. Junior years and we became classmates again. And now that we’re seniors, we’re still classmates.

Time went by, we eventually became friends. And now, he’s one of my closest friends in our class. As I’ve said, we always teased each other to the point that sometimes I would tell him that I had a crush on him. Though that’s not true. He’s always telling me that if I became thin again, he would ask me to be his girlfriend. I believed that that statement’s also a joke.

So our class had our duty in Lipa, Batangas for two weeks. His group and my group lived in one dormitory. Every morning, I went to their room to have chat with him and my other friends. But things had changed this time. When I told him again that I liked him, I knew in my heart that’s not a joke. I knew I mean those words. And when he told me he liked me too I wished that what he said was true and not a joke. I couldn’t look straight into his eyes. I was afraid he would know that my feelings for him was starting to develop into something deeper. On our last day in Batangas, we played cards ’til the wee hours of the morning. I slept on their room. I was shocked when he told me he was going to sleep beside me. I thought he didn’t mean it because there were still three spare beds. But I was wrong. He really slept beside me. We slept in the same bed. I couldn’t face him. I didn’t know what to do.

I don’t know if our feelings our mutual. I don’t know if I’m falling for him. I don’t know if his jokes are half meant. But one thing is for sure, I know this isn’t right.

Stalker

25 Jan

So, I read my friend’s blog again. Arggg. I’m such a stalker. I hate myself for reading her private thoughts again. Sorry, but I can’t help myself.

Her blog says about her feelings for this guy again. The guy that she likes and the same guy that I like.(If you read my post, “Friend or Fiend”, you will know the story behind this).

I thought, I’m the only one who always ask signs if that guy and me will be lovers in the future. Honestly I asked for three signs and the results of those signs were telling me that we can be together. That we can be lovers in the future. I am happy. To tell you the truth, I don’t love him but I really really like him.

But then again, I read my friend’s blog and she asked for a sign if there will come a time that what they have before will come back again. The same feelings and the same old them. And guess what, the sign she’s asking for also says that their will have their “time” again.

Is fate making fool of us??? I don’t know if I will ask another sign. I don’t think I will believe on signs again. I mean what if they will be together? We’re friends and that means, you can never date your friend’s ex-boyfriend/lover. That’s one of the golden rules of friendship.

I want my friend to be happy but I also want to be happy.

I don’t want to read her blog again but I want to know her inner thought. Because she never told me a single feeling she have for him.

The situation is so complicated. There are things we wish that might not come true. Things that may change because of him. Because of her. And because of me. I don’t know. I really don’t know what to do. 😦

Friend or Fiend?

16 Jan

I like someone. I mean I really like him soo much that I intend not to tell anyone in our class about it. Until one time I told my groupmate that I like him then my closest friend in our room then my groupmates then my one of our classmates again. So only a few of our class knew about it.

The reason why I didn’t want to tell anyone/only a few know about it was because I didn’t want people to tease us. It would just make me feel anxious and awkward around him. I mean we’re not even close and we barely talk. And also the primary reason was my friend(one my closest friends) and him were an item. And I didn’t want to ruin what they had because of my stupid feelings for him. You know, friendship is more important than boys. I never told my friend about it. So time passed. They weren’t an item anymore. He liked one of my classmates though. Almost one year had passed and then I confessed to her that I liked him. I mean I like him because I still like him up to now. I told her the reason why I only told her that day. She said that’s okay with her because she didn’t even care about him and she didn’t like anymore.

Then, it’s our Christmas Party and one of our classmates teases us and the whole sections knows about what I have for him. And guess what, they even made a fan club for us. So this friend of mine, who “used to like him” told me that she’s our number one fan. Whenever we talk, he’s always our favorite subject. I tell her every single detail of what I feel for him. Though it’s only a crush and nothing deeper than that.

Until, I read her blog. I read every single word of it and I try to comprehend it because I can not fully understand why she wrote that blog. She knows that I know her blog site and I’m going to read it sooner or later. It says there that he still likes him. That until now, she regrets the time that had passed when they still had their “time”. She also wrote that she’s going to regret it forever. Not necessarily forever.

When I read that, I feel stupid. Stupid for telling her about him. Stupid for not being sensitive enough of her feelings. But how will I know it? She seems to be so happy listening to my endless stories about him. She even asks questions. And let me tell you this, everyday, she always tell me that SHE DOESN’T LIKE HIM ANYMORE. That past is past.

I want to talk to her about this but I’m afraid this will affect our friendship.

Should I tell her her or let things settle as time goes by?