Archive | Uncategorized RSS feed for this section

Candle Lighter Award

7 Jan

This morning, I found out that someone has given me a Candle Lighter Blog Award. It is given to people whom you think gives light and hope to the blogosphere. I am overwhelmed by this award. As you all know, I am a suicide survivor. Not just once but twice. Maybe, the reason I am still here is because I have to tell my story to the world and give hope to people like me who is suffering from depression and has suicidal tendency. It feels good knowing that people like Judy (the one who gave me the award) thinks I give light to the world by not quitting and not giving up on my dreams.

You just have to accept this award and it’s up to you if you want to nominate people for this award. I’ll nominate some but I’ll post about it later or tomorrow.

Thank you Judy for this award and I am humbly accepting it.

Visit her blog jayjaysfavorite .

And oh thank you also for nominating my other blog My World in Photographs for this award. You can check out my other blog. It is a photo blog and I’ve just started it yesterday.

Have a good day everyone. 🙂

Newest Blog Site

6 Jan

So I’ve told you yesterday that I’m going to make another blog, a photo blog. I can’t wait any longer so I’ve already made a photo blog. Hahaha. 😀 So, here’s the link My World in Photographs .

Please do support it. I hope you’ll follow it too. 🙂

Photo and Travel Blog

5 Jan

I was browsing some Photo and Travel blogs here in WordpPress early this morning. I was stunned by the beauty of the world through their photo blogs. Like them, I also love to travel. I also love to take photos. I have four cameras; an automatic Olympus camera (a vintage one, I use 35mm film for this camera), an Exilim Casio Camera (digital), Diana F+ Lomo Camera (I also have fish eye lens for this. I use 120mm film here) and a Nikon Coolpix Camera (semi-pro). I’m only using my Nikon and Diana F+ for now ’cause those two are my favorites. I’m planning to buy a DSLR camera when I already have a job. Mind you guys, I am not a professional photographer and I don’t know if you’ll like my shots. It’s just a hobby. And it makes me happy.

I was thinking if I should make my own photo/travel blog. Actually, I am already planning for this. When I come back, I want to have my own photo/travel blog. But I still have to think of my blog’s name, description, etc.

But before that, I want you to look at some of my shots.

Tree


Sunset in Nagbalayong Beach -- Nagbalayong, Morong, Bataan, Philippines


Skyline -- Balanga, Bataan, Philippines


Paris -- One of my dream destination


Keanu -- my baby, my dog


Mariveles Mountain


Dambana ng Kagitingan, Mt. Samat -- Pilar, Bataan


Boracay, Philippines

New Year. New Theme.

5 Jan

It’s been awhile since I last changed my WordPress theme. Since, it’s already New Year, I’ve come to think of having a new theme for my personal diary/blog. So yesterday, I looked for more than a hundred themes here in WordPress and finally fell in love with BUENO theme. I think it’s the most appropriate theme for my blog’s title, I Am Ms. Brightside. What do you think?? And I also added a header photo to show my love for sunsets. There’s something about it’s beauty that I can’t explain. Aside from that, I’m also in love with nature and photography. Yes, I took the photo above!!! You can check out my post entitled, Sunsets.

Have a good day everyone. 🙂

The Reason Why I Am Leaving

4 Jan

January 10. Tuesday. The date that may changed my life forever.

A lot of my friends are asking where I am going. I can’t tell them. My mom and I agreed that only a few people should know about my decision. She’s afraid that people will judge me again. Of course, they will. So I’ve told only a few people about this; my best friend (Erlich), my college room mate (Ate Arianne), and some WordPress people.

But now I’ll tell all of you the reason why I am leaving. The place where I am going. But promise me, you have to keep it a secret. Especially to some of my friends who know this blog site of mine. If you happen to read this, please don’t tell anyone.

This is it. I am going in a rehabilitation center/mental institution. Surprise. Surprise. Again, please don’t judge me. This is the hardest decision I’ve ever made. I’ve think about it not just twice but a couple of times before I’ve finally agreed to this. But I guess, this is the smartest thing to do. I’m not sure of myself. Sometimes, when I am alone, when I’m sad, I still think of killing myself. What if I did it again and then I ended up dead? it will just break my mother’s heart. And I don’t wanna leave her. Now that I know how much she loves me. I don’t wanna hurt her again. I’m her only child and she’s my only parent. No one will take care of her when she’s old and sick. I am the only person she can count on. I am doing this not just for me, but for her. I love my mom so much that now, thinking of leaving her breaks my heart. So I have to do this. I need to do this. It’s hard leaving all of my possessions behind. A life without internet, phones and television. A place where you know no one. A room full of strangers who has mental illness. Depressed and suicidal like me. I don’t know how long will it take before I’ll be home again. A month, a couple of months or maybe a year. I really don’t know. It’s also hard for my mom; her only daughter will be living like a prisoner in a rehabilitation center.

I still don’t know the name and exact address of the facility but it is owned by my psychiatrist. My mom has to extend her work contract because of this. She’s going to spend 20000 to 40000 php (500 to 1000 USD) a month for my rehabilitation. I know my father’s not going to help her with the expenses. Knowing he has a daughter with mental disorder, he’ll just think of me as a disgrace in his family. To think that I am also his illegitimate daughter. And I am using his surname. In his head, I know he’s saying these words, “WHAT A SHAME!” But, I’m still hoping that he cares for me. He’s still my father, right?

The rehabilitation center is located near our place. Somewhere in Pilar, Bataan but I’ve said, I don’t know the exact address. Most of the patients there are drug addicts because it is primarily a drug rehabilitation center but there’s still room for people like me. They have patients like me. I’m not expecting any visitors ’cause only a few people know about it. I just hope I’ll see my friends before I leave. I’m gonna miss them. And it’s hard when you don’t get any updates from the outside world. As if I am living in Big Brother’s house.

I hope that my stay there will heal my heart and clear my mind. I hope that when I get back, I am a better person.

I’m Missin’ Keanu

3 Jan

I’ll be leaving this Monday and yet I haven’t seen my dog again. It’s been awhile since I last saw him. I remember when I left him, he’s barking as if he’s trying to say, “Mama, don’t leave me.”. I miss him so badly. I miss his “kakulitan”.

Keanu, Mama misses you soooo much!

Life as A Student Nurse

1 Jan

A lot of people are asking me why I took nursing. Wanna know the reason why? Almost 5 years ago, nurses are in demand all over the world. Also, Philippines has a shortage of staff nurses. And since my mom’s working in a hospital, she wants me to be her workmate. (She’s not a nurse. She’s an x-ray technician). In short, she’s the one responsible why I take that course. I don’t want to be a nurse but I’ve written in my school yearbook that it’s always been my dream to become one. I just don’t know what to write at that time. But honestly, I want to be a civil engineer or an accountant. I’m pretty good in Mathematics especially Algebra and Beginner’s Calculus and to tell you the truth, I am a Math geek. Science is my worst enemy. One of the reasons why I don’t like nursing. I remember sleeping at 3am when I was still in my college years because I couldn’t understood Chemistry and Biochemistry. Thank God, I’ve passed those two subjects. Microbiology is pretty hard too. I have to remember the names of those not-so-good-looking parasites, worms, etc. They look awful. But again, I’ve passed that subject. Actually, I’ve never failed any subjects. Ooh, and I am not a grade conscious. I only study when I know that this particular subject is not my forte. The rest, I’d rather sleep or watch TV series or surf the internet than reviewing and reading my notes. Thanks to stock knowledge because I’ve passed all my subjects. But guys, Nursing is a pretty hard subject. And with my school, I tell you, it’s not easy studying there. We have to pass all the subjects plus comprehensive exams and revalida every semester.We also have this Nursing Aptitude Test way back in second year. We have to pass that test to enter 3rd year. I’ve got 95 although I don’t study at all. Again, thanks to stock knowledge. Not just that, but we have to pass the interview and our General Weighted Average should be at least 2.00 (B-) to become a junior student. It’s pretty tough. Really. But I’ve passed those exams because if not, maybe, I won’t be able to graduate.

The only thing I love about nursing is our hospital duties. And oh, community duties too. I’ve said before that I am not seeing myself working in a hospital. I like working in a hospital but it’s not the career meant for me. I hate my course but that doesn’t stop me from enjoying my hospital and community exposures. I love helping people especially if my service is for free. (Maybe, I’ll volunteer on medical missions instead of working in a hospital.) I love making Nursing Care Plans. It consists of the following: Subjective and Objective Data, Nursing Diagnosis, Interventions, Planning, Evaluation. We always do that. Each patient has at least 3 Nursing Care Plans. That means we have to at least make 3 Nursing Diagnoses. Acute Pain related to (certain etiology/cause) is the most used nursing diagnosis of all. I also love making Case Presentations especially if my patient’s case is rare. My group mates call me Ms. Pathophysiology. I’m always the one making the pathophysiology of the disease of our patient. I know, I’m not good in science but I love solving mysteries. And knowing the causes why that certain disease exists is like solving a mystery. Aside from those reasons, knowing that my patient is getting better because of my tender loving care gives me happiness no one can ever describe. I remember some of my patients are giving me thank you presents for taking care of them. But I have one incident that I can say the most memorable one while I have my hospital duty. There’s a patient having a heart attack. He needs CPR. He’s my classmate’s patient. Upon seeing the situation wherein the blue team is already there giving CPR, etc., I cry. I know I shouldn’t. But I can’t bear seeing him like that. It breaks my heart. I was crying the whole time and I just stayed at the rest room. My friends told me to just stay there because I was already shivering. Sadly, the patient didn’t make it. He’s dead after 1 hour and 20 minutes of trying to revive him. 😦 There’s also an incident wherein I’ve got shingles because of my patient. I was absent for one week because of that!

Community immersion/duty is one of most enjoyable moments of my students nurse’s life. We have to go to different house to conduct survey. I remember, I was once chased by a dog while conducting survey. Take note, there is only one house there and it takes us almost an hour before we arrive at that house. Good thing, the dog didn’t bite me. Thanks to my huge umbrella. We also make certain projects for a specific area. We’ll know their problems based on our survey. Some of our projects are the following: waste management, feeding program, dengue prevention, pneumonia and other lung diseases prevention and many more. It’s nice knowing you’re a part of a certain community’s health progression.

But my most unforgettable experience is when we have our duty in National Center for Mental Health. We spend 5 days there. We are assigned in the chronic female ward. The patients there are confined for more than 6 months. Most of them are already cured but they’ve decided to stay there because their family can’t accept them. Honestly, I don’t understand their family. Just because their mentally ill doesn’t mean they’ll hurt you. Remember, they’re already cured. What they need is love and acceptance. Sorry, I know the feeling of not being taken care of. Our group give our best to make those patient happy. We have different activities for them. And I am the one who cooked food for them. The patients, as well as my groupmates, like it! 🙂

It’s fun being a student nurse. There’s a lot of things you’ll experience. You’ll learn a lot from those experiences. I’ve graduated at the age of 19. Pretty young, right? Four years of hard work and I can say that I am proud being a nurse. As I’ve said, this job is not meant for me but still, I love being called a nurse. And I will always be proud of the nurses around the world.

Happy New Year

1 Jan

Happy New Year from the Philippines! I hope everyone’s doing fine.

It’s already 11:20am here. I haven’t gone to church. Maybe later this afternoon. Unlike last Christmas, I enjoy welcoming the year 2012. I have a positive feeling that this year will be awesome. I know this is the start of something new. And it’s going to be big, bright and beautiful. 🙂

Last night’s a blast. I am not with my family but at least I’m comfortable celebrating the holiday with someone else’s family this time. And also, the first message I’ve received this year is from…. LEE! Hahaha. 😀 I’m the happiest. Aside from he’s the first one to greet me, it is also his first text message. Best way to start my year, right? I am smiling from ear to ear from the time I’ve received his message until I’ve fallen asleep. I don’t eat anything last night except for my favorite comfort food, ice cream! I hope it’s not going to be a cold year for me but instead, a very comfortable year for me and for all of us. I haven’t have any New Year’s resolution yet. But I have three wishes this year:
1. To have a work
2. To travel
3. To be happy.

How about you? What’s your New Year’s Wish?

Have a wonderful 2012 everyone and Happy New Year.

Much love,
Anne 🙂

2011 — A Year To Remember

31 Dec

2011 is almost over. A year that will always have a place in my heart. It consists of bittersweet memories. A year that may changed life forever. A year that I have to say good bye now. This year has a lot of memories. Happy days. Sad moments. The most challenging year of my life.

One of the best memories I have this year is when I finished my Bachelor’s degree. I am now a graduate of Bachelor of Nursing but I have decided not to take the board exam because it’s not something I have dreamed of. I cannot see myself working in a hospital. I love being a nurse. I love helping people who are sick. I love putting smile on my patient’s face. But it’s not meant for me. I am proud of the nurses around the world because they have one of the hardest jobs on earth. And I am proud of myself because I become a student nurse in my lifetime.

Another memories worth remembering this year is when I have my vacation in Boracay and Nueva Ecija. It’s been my dream to explore the beauty of the Philippines and of course to travel the world. And it’s special ’cause I’m with my friends. I am at the weakest point of my life when I go to those two places. At least, for a short period of time, I forget my problems and just enjoy life with my friends, with nature and with God.

Before the year ends, I have met a lot of amazing people from WordPress. People who give me hope. You know who you are and I will always be thankful for those people.

And most of all, the best thing that happened to me this year is when Keanu, my shih tzu, came into my life. He always brings joy to me. He never leaves me. He knows when I am lonely and sad. He looks at me whenever I am crying as if he’s telling me everything will be alright. That he’s there for me no matter what happens. He’s my baby. He’s my little brother. He’s just a dog but he gives meaning in my life.

But life is not always being happy. We have ups and downs. Life can be so unfair most of the time. This year, my uncle, the only person in this world who always tell me that he’s proud of me, died. He’s one of the best people in my life and yet he left us here. I remember his proud face when I graduated. The times when he talks to me. The times when he tells me I am one of the most intelligent people in our family. He will always stay in my heart and mind.

Aside from my uncle’s death, a lot of problems arise this year. Problems in our family. It is all because of money. The reason of our family war. The reason of my depression. The reason why I’ve decided to end my life. Not once but twice. It’s hard to decide on my life’s fate. The medicines I have taken, the blade, the cigarette, they are all part of my life. This is my darkest year. It’s hard to have a mental illness like mine. It’s hard when you don’t have support from your family. And most of all, it’s so hard when people judge you for what you’ve done. They think you have a disease like tuberculosis, HIV or any disease that can be contagious. They don’t want you to be near them. And they will spread gossips that you are crazy.

My life in 2011 maybe worse or much better than other people. We can’t tell. It is based on other people’s perception. But in this year, God has given me two chances to live. I can’t promise that I will not commit suicide again. Promises are made to broken, right? But what I want now is to forget all of the bad things that happened to me. It’s not easy but I’ll try my best. I want to start a new beginning. I want to forgive those people who hurt me. I want to have work. I want to travel the world. I want my dreams to come to life. I want my life to be normal. I want to be a strong person.

As I’ve said, it’s not easy but I’ll do my best to make it possible.

Say hello to 2012 and good bye to 2011.

Happy New Year everyone.

It’s Hard To Move On

30 Dec

I’ve started to see the light these past few days. I’m starting to look at the brighter side. With the my help of friends, WordPress people and my mom, I’m beginning to forget all the things from the past and I’m starting to move-on. Or that’s what I am making myself believe. This afternoon, all of the things my family have said and done to me start to pop in my head. I can hear their voices. I can feel their anger. And then I start to cry. It’s hard to forget my aunt, uncle and cousins have done. Instead of giving me love and support, they blame me for all the things that’s happening in our lives. Instead of comforting me, they put all my things outside their place and ask me to get the hell out of their house. They call me liar and crazy. Even my nephews and nieces believe that I am one and they tell them that I am going to hurt the kids. And much worse, they tell me that no one loves me. They have done enough damage in my heart and in my mind. The wounds in my heart are like the wounds in my hands. Until now, they are not yet healed and even though they are already healed, there are scars that will always remind me of the things from the past. I want to move on. I need to move on. I know a lot of people are helping me. My other cousins, my mom’s cousin, my mom, my friends and the WordPress people are all there to help me. But it’s hard to just forget everything. It’s hard to let the pain go away. I have forgiven my mom and she has forgiven me. She’s my mom, I love her and I’m willing to forget all the things she has said. But with my other relatives? I don’t know how long before I’ll begin to forgive and forget the things they have done.

My heart is in pain. My mind is troubled. My body is weak.

I’m not thinking of killing myself again but all I want is this pain to go away permanently and…

Forget the past and move on with my life.