Tag Archives: death

Stitches

20 Dec

These stitches would always remind all the pain, struggles and hurt that I experienced in my life. I would never forget the date August 24, 2011. The first time I committed suicide by taking 18 tablets of Mefenamic Acid. Recently, I did it again. Maybe I’m a psychotic. I am a suicidal. Last Friday, my mom and I fought because I asked for money. She’s not sending me money for three months and I had no more gadgets to sell. I was gonna used the money to have my passport and work as domestic helper/ nanny or caregiver in the nearby countries. She got angry and told things that I still never changed. I was still the same old Anne. I cried because until now she couldn’t forget the bad things that I’d done. The way I used her money to bought those gadgets that I thought would made me happy.. I thought she’d forgiven me but no. So I cried and then I saw my anti-anxiety drugs, Clonazepam. I knew from the start that overdosage of this drug may lead to comma. The doctor told me just to take 1/4 tablet to help me sleep. But on that day. I took 2 then I fell asleep. I wasn’t contented when I woke up. Then I took all the remaining tablets, 23 or 24 or 25. I couldn’t remember exactly how many. And then I bought a blade. I went to the room and slashed from left wrist. Real deep. Blood’s gushing down my shorts and floor. Then as I was slashing my right wrist, I collapsed. Maybe because of the drugs. Then I hear someone’s screaming. I couldn’t open my eyes. Somone’s carrying me. Then I woke up, still groggy I was at the clinic. They’re already cleaning my wounds. I knew one of the nurses there. Then I cried. I told her that I wanted to see Mom and Papa. I’d got 5 stitches and then we went home but I got a low grade fever. The next day I was shot with tetanus toxoid. I thought things will be different this time. Then my uncle and auntie came over. I couldn’t remember some of what their saying. But what they wanted to tell was I was a liar and I used my mom’s 100 thousand money. And she’s calling me an artist. You know the “paawa” affect. Because of that, I answered her back. “I’ve already sorry and punished myself because of that mistake but you never get over it. And also I didn’t stole it. I have my mother’s ATM card and she gave it to me. You’re telling the whole world that I’m a theft. But how about your daughter. How many times did she steal money from you, from your other daughter, from the NGOs money? I never told anyone about that but you, you want people to hate me.” Then she strted yelling and telling me that I shouldn’t mess with her family. And again, I was a liar according to them. And then I told her, you should stay away from our problems also because you’re just my uncle’s wife. Then my uncle slapped me really hard. A lot of people saw it. And he cursed that he’s going to kill me. I said, “go kill me. You think I’m afraid of dying?” And then after that my cousin, I don’t know why she’s annoyed but she keeps on getting mad at me. Telling me that I am crazy and I have schizo. And because I know a secret of her, I told the whole barangay that she’s having an affair with her daughter’s teacher. That’s the time she get all my things and told me to never come back.

I’m mad. I want revenge. I want them to see me successful. And those stitches and also the bruises I’ve got from the cigarettes, it will always remember what they did to me is unforgivable. I promise to God that they’ll kneel in front and will say sorry for what they did.

Hopeless

17 Dec

I told you, depressions is taking over me. I hate my life. I hate them for doing this to me. I’m already for what big mistake that I did. Isn’t it enough that I don’t have money and I am just living with my cousin’s family? I got no money from my parents. I don’t have work. I only haVe 300 pesos I don’t know what to do.i I’ve tried searching for a job but I don’t qualify. I badly needed a job. My mind’s going crazy ’cause of my problems and no on is willing to help me.I don’t care if my job is about cleaning the toilets, collecting garbage, washing other’s clothes, becoming a housekeeper / nanny. I really don’t care. I just need to support myself. I want to be successful like those I’ve watched on tv. I already admitted my mistakes and I am ready to learn. I don’t want to live with my cousin anymore who’ve always telling me that she doesn’t have money to support my needs and my dog too. I’ve tried searching for jobs but I don’t qualify to be their employee. As I’ve said, I only have 300 pesos so I can’t start a business with just that kind amount of money. I asked Mom to give me money to prepare my papers going abroad. I know, I’m a nursing graduate and I’m only 20 years old to work as a domestic helper or nannny. I don’t care. But my mom, doesn’t agree with me. She’s not sending money to me. Even money to prepare my passport. How cool is that. I feel hopeless. My father has another family and for sure he’s not going to help me either. My relatives are financially unstable. I really want to go abroad to work. I can’t stand living here in the Philippines. If I just have at least 60000 in my pocket, maybe I’m already working abroad now.I don’t know where to ask help anymore. I’ve been crying the whole night. The truth, I want to kill myslef again. I’ve taken 27 tablets of Clonazepam already this morning. I don’t know why it hasn’t effected yet. I want to killed myself. No one’s willing to help me financially, emotionally and mentally. My friend’s their all gone. They’s just there when they need me. When I still have money. Even my relatives are like that. But now, they’s all gone. I’ve been good to them but now, I’m the worst person in the world for them. I also sell my two possessions before so I have somethinng to used for my everyday need. Now I only have my dog, my camera and a phone. I forget to tell you, I’m not living in our house because my mom doesn’t want to. And my dad, he doesn’t care about me. He has his own family. I’m really tired. I promised not to do the suicide thing again but what’s happening, without someone helping my financial needs or just helping me to work abroad, I’m sorry I have to do this. Before wrting this blog, I’ve already take almost 30 tablets of Clonazepam. I can’t stand straight now. I’m feeling drowsy. I wish I’ll have a comatose in one hour, two hours, three hours or more. I just need someone who can lend me money to start my new life. I just want someone who will love me like I want to be love by family. DREAMS DO NOT COME TRUE!

Good bye world. Goodbye wordpress friends. It’s nice reading you thougths. It’s nice sharing my problems with you.