Tag Archives: depression

Ugly Me!!!!

18 Nov

Why life is so unfair? Some people are rich, some are poor. Some people are intelligent, some people are with low IQ. Some people are good looking and some are just plain ugly.

Ugly…. Just like me. Ugly and fat. With big nose. Big legs. Dark complexion. And a weight of almost 180 lbs. So that’s me. I’m feeling so down right now. Hearing from other people my physical appearance makes me feel like a total loser. Now, I’ve got a theory. Maybe the reason my boyfriend left me because of my physical appearance. His new girl is pretty and sexy. And I am absolutely not a likeable sight to see.

I’ve learned from the rehabilitation that I should love myself because it’s God’s gift. But how could I if everyone’s around me is telling not to love it. Everyone’s around me telling that I’m fat.

And I hate myself for it!


17 Dec

I told you, depressions is taking over me. I hate my life. I hate them for doing this to me. I’m already for what big mistake that I did. Isn’t it enough that I don’t have money and I am just living with my cousin’s family? I got no money from my parents. I don’t have work. I only haVe 300 pesos I don’t know what to do.i I’ve tried searching for a job but I don’t qualify. I badly needed a job. My mind’s going crazy ’cause of my problems and no on is willing to help me.I don’t care if my job is about cleaning the toilets, collecting garbage, washing other’s clothes, becoming a housekeeper / nanny. I really don’t care. I just need to support myself. I want to be successful like those I’ve watched on tv. I already admitted my mistakes and I am ready to learn. I don’t want to live with my cousin anymore who’ve always telling me that she doesn’t have money to support my needs and my dog too. I’ve tried searching for jobs but I don’t qualify to be their employee. As I’ve said, I only have 300 pesos so I can’t start a business with just that kind amount of money. I asked Mom to give me money to prepare my papers going abroad. I know, I’m a nursing graduate and I’m only 20 years old to work as a domestic helper or nannny. I don’t care. But my mom, doesn’t agree with me. She’s not sending money to me. Even money to prepare my passport. How cool is that. I feel hopeless. My father has another family and for sure he’s not going to help me either. My relatives are financially unstable. I really want to go abroad to work. I can’t stand living here in the Philippines. If I just have at least 60000 in my pocket, maybe I’m already working abroad now.I don’t know where to ask help anymore. I’ve been crying the whole night. The truth, I want to kill myslef again. I’ve taken 27 tablets of Clonazepam already this morning. I don’t know why it hasn’t effected yet. I want to killed myself. No one’s willing to help me financially, emotionally and mentally. My friend’s their all gone. They’s just there when they need me. When I still have money. Even my relatives are like that. But now, they’s all gone. I’ve been good to them but now, I’m the worst person in the world for them. I also sell my two possessions before so I have somethinng to used for my everyday need. Now I only have my dog, my camera and a phone. I forget to tell you, I’m not living in our house because my mom doesn’t want to. And my dad, he doesn’t care about me. He has his own family. I’m really tired. I promised not to do the suicide thing again but what’s happening, without someone helping my financial needs or just helping me to work abroad, I’m sorry I have to do this. Before wrting this blog, I’ve already take almost 30 tablets of Clonazepam. I can’t stand straight now. I’m feeling drowsy. I wish I’ll have a comatose in one hour, two hours, three hours or more. I just need someone who can lend me money to start my new life. I just want someone who will love me like I want to be love by family. DREAMS DO NOT COME TRUE!

Good bye world. Goodbye wordpress friends. It’s nice reading you thougths. It’s nice sharing my problems with you.

Am I really a Bad Person?

19 Oct

It’s past 12 midnight right now in the Philippines. I can’t sleep. Been cryin’ for an hour now I don’t know how to stop these tears from falling.

I don’t know what’s happenening to me. I’ve been a bad daughter, a bad Cristian and a bad person. I have done so.many things in my life that maybe even God cannot forgive. There are so many things you don’t know about me. Things that I haven’t told you. I do things that I regret. These past few months are thew worst. I have my mom’s ATM card and I’ve spent all the money there. That’s one of the reasons why we’re on a fight. I’ve tried looking for a job to replace all the money but I failed. Looking for a job in a third world country like the Philippines is like looking for an alive dinosaur. It’s impossible. Even if you have good credentials. And they want people with experience in working. I want to scream and tell those employers, “How can I get a working experience if you won’t hire me. Stupid.” Okay. Okay. So I stopped. I feel like I’m such a big fat loser. I’ve been depressed. Yeah really. I’ve been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder last August. Remember my blog post? The suicide thing? The problems enlisted there plus my mom’s money plus I couldn’t find a job = suicide. Yes. I committed suicide last August. That’s why I’ve been silent for more than a month. I’ve seen psyciatrist, gone to gym and taken medicines for anxiety and depression. After a month, I thought everything will be okay. But then again, my mom and I started to fight again. And now, it’s different. My whole family including my cousins, aunts and uncles are against me now. They are trying to help me but I’m pushing them away. I answer back to them. I don’t respect them anymore. Why am I like this? Why can’t I accept the fact that I’m the reason why all of these things are happening? Why do I have to feel this?