Tag Archives: drama

one Last Thought Before Sleeping

19 Dec

Okay this week was all about my suicide. You knew that my uncle slapped my face and told me he’s going to kill me. And then my auntie, the one who raised me up told me to get lost and just kill myself. I felt lost. I felt like no one loves me. I went to the beach. I though the waves gonna drown me. Then after that, I went to different stores to buy blade but they told they didn’t had one. Yes, I’m gonna use it to slash my carotid artery so I would die for sure. My friend saw me and tried to stop me from buying that thing. Then we went to my cousin’s house. We talked; me, my friend, my former tutor and my cousin’s husband. I was crying the whole. All I’d ever wanted was to kill myself and end my sufferings. I’m tried of this. No one really loves me. I don’t have a job to support my needs. I even sent messages to some of my friends saying thank you for the memories. And then, my friend Ryan Called me. He said that don’t do what I’m planning to do. Then our group, Ryan, Brent, Kim and Isay tweeted me that they’re giving me some money to help me start a new life. They know that I only have a few bucks in my pocket. Then I asked for my Ninang Beth. She said she’s going to send money next week after her hectic work. And my lesbian cousin’s girlfriend will also send me a little amount of money and will endorse me on her first job. My bestfriend Erlich asked if I want to stay with them then work at their mangi business. My former room mate Ate Arianne told me that she’s going to Bataan to take care of me or if I want, she’s going to send some money.And most of all, my Ninang Ofel told me that she never had a daughter and that maybe I’m the one she’s looking for. Well, I thank them for the help. But right now, all I want is Mom’s Forgiveness. Or maybe, I’ll attempt suicide again.

PS. My cousin whom I told you before who always neglect her children because of another guy, well, I found out that my things are outside their house. I do not live in their house now But I’m sleeping at one of my cousin’s house now. I don’t know where to go sleep next with my 220 pesos.

Maybe what I need to do now is sleep because people are talking that it feels like I don’t sleep at all.

Just A Dream

19 Dec

I thought none of my friends read my private blog. Then I found out lfrom a friend that this guy is worried about me because of what he read here. I’m shocked. I’m overwhelmed. I wanna cry’cause at least someone’s worried about me.

Right now, I’m at the beach. Writing my thoughts. With stiches and bruises. I’m hurting myself. Because I want them to see me. In Tagalog “nagpapapansin”. I’m so sad right now. I’m lonely. I want to go the sea and let myself flow to the deep water until I drown. I’m not happy with my life. I envy those people who have a perfect life. A perfect family. Me? My mom’s not answering our calls. My papa doesn’t care. My uncle slapped in my face and cursed that he will kill me. My lesbian cousin told that I should be killed in another place. And now my other cousin told me that she’s not accepting me in house because I told everone that she’s having affair with her daughter’s teacher. I don’t know where to go now. I only have 220 pesos on my pocket. I am homeless. I’m thinking of killing myself. I hate it, everytime I tried to commit suicide, I ended alive. Maybe God wants to punish me more. -‘m enough of this. I wish tomorrow when I woke, I have a beautiful house with lotsa money. With true friends. No ones gonna hurt. I have everything I’ve wanted. I have a perfect family.

No More Drama

13 Aug

Hello there! I was browsing some blogs lately about life. It helped me to realized that life is so important so I should treasure it and I should thank God for this. My life’s not perfect but at I should learn to love every imperfections of it. So I decided to live my life to the fullest and be happy. No more dramas, no more suicides, no more negative thoughts, etc. And if you asked me about the letters, no. No suicide letters were made.

I still have problems but I know God is here to help and guide me. 🙂

Suicidal Thoughts

6 Aug

Have you ever feel that you’re alone and no one understands you? The feeling that you’re tired of all the things happening around you? You have no one to talk to but yourself? And all you’ve ever wanted at that moment is to end all of your sufferings?

If you’re going to ask me those questions, my answer is YES! I feel so alone. I feel like no understands me. No one knows that I have a problem because no one ever asks me. I have under a lot of stress lately. I don’t know what to do. All I can do is cry, cry and cry. I’m afraid this will lead to depression or maybe I am on that state already. All I want is for them to understand me. I want support from my family and friends. But instead, they are the one who hurt me emotionally and physically(when I was a child).

It all started when I was living with my uncle. I was 2 years old back then. His wife would beat me whenever I did something she didn’t like. I remember one time, I was drinking softdrinks and suddenly it split and it stained my dress. She beat me and my uncle did nothing. Imagine, he’s my uncle and all he did was watched my aunt beat me up until I got bruises. I never told my mom about this(my mom’s working abroad up to now).

When I was in Grade 3, I should be the on the “Top 3 Most Outstanding Students” but my teacher back then was my classmate’s aunt. So she switched our places and I became the Top 4 and he became the Top 3. I didn’t complain although it made me feel bad because that’s me! I just kept my feelings to myself rather than telling it to other people. But that incident affected my studies. Since then, I never studied my lessons. I got low grades and from being Top 4, I became Top 8.

And then when I was in 5th grade, my grandmother told me that my father would never live with us because he had a family even before he met my mother. When my mother came back to the Philippines for a vacation, I didn’t brought up the topic to her. I was to afraid to know the truth. But one night, she asked me what I knew. I didn’t answer her question and all I could do was cry(I’m very good at it). And then she told me the truth. You know what, ever since a kid, all I’d ever wanted was to be with my parents and live a very happy life. But that night, I knew that my dream would never come true.

Right after my elementary graduation, I went to the city. I left my friends and all the people I knew behind to have a better education. But here, i met the worst people in the world. The bully ones. Yes, I’d been bullied by my “friends”. Of all the people in our class, my friends were the one who made my highschool life miserable. They said bad things about my appearance. My curly hair and they even told me that I had body odor. I never confronted them. I thought that it would just made things worst. So I called my mom and cried. I told her everything but she did nothing. For four years, I lived in a place called hell.

College, okay this was the happiest moment of my life. I told to myself, “You’re free now. You will never see them again.” Happiest and yet the worst. Why? Because I took B.S. Nursing. I never dreamed of becoming a nurse. But of course, my mom’s the one who decided it. I also met people who wanted to be with me when they needed something. This’s when I’d got my first and second heartbreak. I never had a boyfriend because I was fat. I had friends but are they really my friends?

And now, I’m already done with college but I still have a lot of problems(just read my previous posts).

Because of those things I’ve already told you, I think that my life is a big mess. No one will care whether I’m gone or not. and let me tell you something, I have passive suicidal ideation(wanting to die but has no plans of killing myself) before. But after what happened this past few days and after reading the book entitled “Thirteen Reasons Why”, I’ve thought of ending my life again. But now, I’m serious. You may think I’m crazy. Yes maybe I am. But I have the signs of a suicidal person. I answered a questionnaire about signs of suicide here http://www.stopasuicide.org/signs.aspx and then the result is “If you checked boxes under Parts I and II, the suicide risk is even higher.”

Other than that, my other signs are hopelessness, depression, lost of interest in activities, persistent thoughts about the possibility of something bad happening, anxiety, insomnia/sleep deprivation, sudden change of appearance(got a hair cut after almost a year). If you read this, maybe you’re going to ask me, “If you’re really serious about of ending your life, then why would you write it in here?” The answer is……… none of my friends and relatives knows about my blog site. Actually there is one. But I doubt that he’ll going to visit this site again. I hope he’s not too late when read this.

Or maybe, I just want you, YES YOU, to help me.

I, My Mom and My Aunt

29 Jul

Something happened this afternoon. Something that couldn’t be easily forgotten.

My uncle came to our house. I thought he went to scold me. He knew that my mom and I were not in good terms and until now we’re not talking to each other. He asked me how I’ve been. I was just about to open my mouth to answer his question when his phone rung. My mom’s calling. She wanted to talk to me. So we talked and of course, as usual, she’s mad. No yelling but you could feel that she’s really mad and hurt. Here’s what we talked about; SHE DOESN’T WANT TO SEE ME AGAIN!!! Of course, “I was” and “I am” hurt by what she said. She’s my mother and she’s the only one I’ve got. I am an only child and my dad’s with his own family now. She also said that after three months, she’s not going to give me money. It’s my fault by the way because I insisted that I wouldn’t take the Nursing Licensure Exam because this’s something that I never dreamt of becoming. I also told her that I would find a job so I could study again(I want to be an engineer or an accountant). She decided that she would give me three months to find a job and after that we should forget each other. She also told me that I should live on my own, meaning, I wasn’t allowed to stay at my aunt’s house in Manila when I already have a job. She asked me to give our house keys to my uncle. She didn’t want me to stay in our house either.

After our little but heartbreaking chat, my aunt(my uncle’s wife) confronted me. I wasn’t aware that she’s with my uncle. She asked me what my problem is and that I could tell her everything. No one ever spoke to me like that in my family. I could see the sincerity and concern in her eyes. I was crying while telling her my problem and frustrations in life. They made me feel that I wasn’t alone. That I could rely on her. And when she stated these words, “Ano pa ba ang problema mo bukod kay mommy mo? Pwede mo sabihin sa amin ni tatay boy mo. Anak na rin ang tingin namin sa’yo Anne, nandito lang kami. Di ka namin papabayaan. ” It felt like God sent them(my aunt and uncle) from above to talk to me. They told me that everything would be back to normal and I could confide on them. I was touched. Never in my life someone made me feel special.

They already went home but still my tears kept falling. I thanked them for coming over. At least now, I know someone who still cares about me.

Thank you Nanay and Tatay. I just hope you’ll never give up on me like what my Mom did.

Lonely

28 Jul

Earphones on. Music on full blast. —— That’s what I do whenever I feel sad and lonely.

These past few days are the worst days of my life. I feel so alone in this place called “Earth”. I feel like no one really cares about me. I’ve been crying for so many days and nights. Every minute, I’m checking my phone if I have a new message. But hey, no one ever bothers to phone me. What makes me sadder right now is that I have a big big big problem with my family. And I want to tell it to my friends but where are they??? Do I really have one?

And now, all I can do is listen to music, cry and write all my feelings here so everyone can read it.