Tag Archives: life

A Day with my Friend and Other Stuff

8 Jan

It’s been a long, busy and happy day for me. After weeks of staying with different families and not going outside their homes, finally, I was able to go Manila to again to meet my friend. It took me awhile before my mom finally agreed to this, seeing my college friend, Erlich.

I had to leave Bataan at 8 am this morning because the travel time from Bataan to Manila is 3 hours(traffic excluded). I arrived at 11am. Pretty early ’cause we agreed to meet at 12noon or 1pm. While waiting for her, I strolled around the mall and looked for books. But then, instead of buying books, I bought this one; Slate 2012 Planner!!!

Slate 2012 Planner

Artistic pages for those who love ARTS!


Map of the Philippines. I can shade or color the spaces of places I've been to. 🙂 Great for travelers.


There's a page for your ULTIMATE BUCKET LIST!

It is simple but I still love it. It is available in Fullybooked branches. 🙂

At 1pm, I was already with Erlich, her boyfriend(Jeremy) and her sister(Erica) and brother(Brando). We ate at Steak House. We laughed, talked about things (of course the story behind the you-know-what-already). At 3:40, we watched Alvin and the Chipmunks 3. I had to tell you something. I haven’t watched the first two movies of the Alvin and the Chipmunks. But that didn’t stopped from enjoying the movie. It was hilarious. The whole cinema were laughing so hard. Alvin was such a brat, funny chipmunk!!!! Hahaha. 😀 We also went to Timezone. We played different games. It was fun. Really. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d played in an amusement park and the last time I’d watched a movie with a friend. Yes, seriously. The last two movies I’d watched in the cinema, I was alone. And that was 6 months ago??? We ate goto and batchoy for dinner.

The only thing that I regret was, tan tanan!!! I’VE FORGOTTEN TO TAKE PICTURES. Why am I such a fool?? Well, the reason I’ve forgotten about my camera is, I am busy being happy. I am busy enjoying every single moment I’m with those people. I don’t know how many months before I’ll see them again. I don’t know when is the next time I’m going to smile and laugh like this again. For me, what matters most is that I’m happy. Right???

~~~~~~~~

I know I’ve promised to post the recipients of the Candle Lighter Award but guys, I have to break that promise. I am sorry. As I’ve said, I’m busy today ’cause I’m with my friends. And I am too lazy to check every single blog that I am following here in WordPress. Look, I’m only using my phone and the font is so smaaaaaall. I have a poor eyesight and I don’t have my glasses with me. I’m really sorry. Tomorrow’s going to be a busy day, too. I have to go back to Bataan early in the morning and I have to buy a lot of things needed in the rehabilitation facility. And in the evening, I have to pack my things for Tuesday. And in Tuesday, I have to leave my phone at home. *sob* 😦 . But I’ll try to say goodbye to all of you tomorrow or on Tuesday.

About the nomination, I’ll post it when I get back, okay??

The Reason Why I Am Leaving

4 Jan

January 10. Tuesday. The date that may changed my life forever.

A lot of my friends are asking where I am going. I can’t tell them. My mom and I agreed that only a few people should know about my decision. She’s afraid that people will judge me again. Of course, they will. So I’ve told only a few people about this; my best friend (Erlich), my college room mate (Ate Arianne), and some WordPress people.

But now I’ll tell all of you the reason why I am leaving. The place where I am going. But promise me, you have to keep it a secret. Especially to some of my friends who know this blog site of mine. If you happen to read this, please don’t tell anyone.

This is it. I am going in a rehabilitation center/mental institution. Surprise. Surprise. Again, please don’t judge me. This is the hardest decision I’ve ever made. I’ve think about it not just twice but a couple of times before I’ve finally agreed to this. But I guess, this is the smartest thing to do. I’m not sure of myself. Sometimes, when I am alone, when I’m sad, I still think of killing myself. What if I did it again and then I ended up dead? it will just break my mother’s heart. And I don’t wanna leave her. Now that I know how much she loves me. I don’t wanna hurt her again. I’m her only child and she’s my only parent. No one will take care of her when she’s old and sick. I am the only person she can count on. I am doing this not just for me, but for her. I love my mom so much that now, thinking of leaving her breaks my heart. So I have to do this. I need to do this. It’s hard leaving all of my possessions behind. A life without internet, phones and television. A place where you know no one. A room full of strangers who has mental illness. Depressed and suicidal like me. I don’t know how long will it take before I’ll be home again. A month, a couple of months or maybe a year. I really don’t know. It’s also hard for my mom; her only daughter will be living like a prisoner in a rehabilitation center.

I still don’t know the name and exact address of the facility but it is owned by my psychiatrist. My mom has to extend her work contract because of this. She’s going to spend 20000 to 40000 php (500 to 1000 USD) a month for my rehabilitation. I know my father’s not going to help her with the expenses. Knowing he has a daughter with mental disorder, he’ll just think of me as a disgrace in his family. To think that I am also his illegitimate daughter. And I am using his surname. In his head, I know he’s saying these words, “WHAT A SHAME!” But, I’m still hoping that he cares for me. He’s still my father, right?

The rehabilitation center is located near our place. Somewhere in Pilar, Bataan but I’ve said, I don’t know the exact address. Most of the patients there are drug addicts because it is primarily a drug rehabilitation center but there’s still room for people like me. They have patients like me. I’m not expecting any visitors ’cause only a few people know about it. I just hope I’ll see my friends before I leave. I’m gonna miss them. And it’s hard when you don’t get any updates from the outside world. As if I am living in Big Brother’s house.

I hope that my stay there will heal my heart and clear my mind. I hope that when I get back, I am a better person.

Happy New Year

1 Jan

Happy New Year from the Philippines! I hope everyone’s doing fine.

It’s already 11:20am here. I haven’t gone to church. Maybe later this afternoon. Unlike last Christmas, I enjoy welcoming the year 2012. I have a positive feeling that this year will be awesome. I know this is the start of something new. And it’s going to be big, bright and beautiful. 🙂

Last night’s a blast. I am not with my family but at least I’m comfortable celebrating the holiday with someone else’s family this time. And also, the first message I’ve received this year is from…. LEE! Hahaha. 😀 I’m the happiest. Aside from he’s the first one to greet me, it is also his first text message. Best way to start my year, right? I am smiling from ear to ear from the time I’ve received his message until I’ve fallen asleep. I don’t eat anything last night except for my favorite comfort food, ice cream! I hope it’s not going to be a cold year for me but instead, a very comfortable year for me and for all of us. I haven’t have any New Year’s resolution yet. But I have three wishes this year:
1. To have a work
2. To travel
3. To be happy.

How about you? What’s your New Year’s Wish?

Have a wonderful 2012 everyone and Happy New Year.

Much love,
Anne 🙂

2011 — A Year To Remember

31 Dec

2011 is almost over. A year that will always have a place in my heart. It consists of bittersweet memories. A year that may changed life forever. A year that I have to say good bye now. This year has a lot of memories. Happy days. Sad moments. The most challenging year of my life.

One of the best memories I have this year is when I finished my Bachelor’s degree. I am now a graduate of Bachelor of Nursing but I have decided not to take the board exam because it’s not something I have dreamed of. I cannot see myself working in a hospital. I love being a nurse. I love helping people who are sick. I love putting smile on my patient’s face. But it’s not meant for me. I am proud of the nurses around the world because they have one of the hardest jobs on earth. And I am proud of myself because I become a student nurse in my lifetime.

Another memories worth remembering this year is when I have my vacation in Boracay and Nueva Ecija. It’s been my dream to explore the beauty of the Philippines and of course to travel the world. And it’s special ’cause I’m with my friends. I am at the weakest point of my life when I go to those two places. At least, for a short period of time, I forget my problems and just enjoy life with my friends, with nature and with God.

Before the year ends, I have met a lot of amazing people from WordPress. People who give me hope. You know who you are and I will always be thankful for those people.

And most of all, the best thing that happened to me this year is when Keanu, my shih tzu, came into my life. He always brings joy to me. He never leaves me. He knows when I am lonely and sad. He looks at me whenever I am crying as if he’s telling me everything will be alright. That he’s there for me no matter what happens. He’s my baby. He’s my little brother. He’s just a dog but he gives meaning in my life.

But life is not always being happy. We have ups and downs. Life can be so unfair most of the time. This year, my uncle, the only person in this world who always tell me that he’s proud of me, died. He’s one of the best people in my life and yet he left us here. I remember his proud face when I graduated. The times when he talks to me. The times when he tells me I am one of the most intelligent people in our family. He will always stay in my heart and mind.

Aside from my uncle’s death, a lot of problems arise this year. Problems in our family. It is all because of money. The reason of our family war. The reason of my depression. The reason why I’ve decided to end my life. Not once but twice. It’s hard to decide on my life’s fate. The medicines I have taken, the blade, the cigarette, they are all part of my life. This is my darkest year. It’s hard to have a mental illness like mine. It’s hard when you don’t have support from your family. And most of all, it’s so hard when people judge you for what you’ve done. They think you have a disease like tuberculosis, HIV or any disease that can be contagious. They don’t want you to be near them. And they will spread gossips that you are crazy.

My life in 2011 maybe worse or much better than other people. We can’t tell. It is based on other people’s perception. But in this year, God has given me two chances to live. I can’t promise that I will not commit suicide again. Promises are made to broken, right? But what I want now is to forget all of the bad things that happened to me. It’s not easy but I’ll try my best. I want to start a new beginning. I want to forgive those people who hurt me. I want to have work. I want to travel the world. I want my dreams to come to life. I want my life to be normal. I want to be a strong person.

As I’ve said, it’s not easy but I’ll do my best to make it possible.

Say hello to 2012 and good bye to 2011.

Happy New Year everyone.

An Actor Found Dead In His Car

29 Dec

It has been all over the news last night that Tyron Perez (a contender of a reality show, Starstruck 1) is found dead in an abandoned car. It is believed that he committed suicide. I feel sad for him. I can feel his pain. I can see his face crying while he is deciding which fate he will choose. It also breaks my heart that a lot of people are judging him because of what he did to himself. I want to defend him. I want to scream at those people. I want to tell them “You don’t know a thing about him so please stop judging him and just let him rest in peace.” We don’t know each other personally but I feel sorry for him. I just hope that he is happy wherever he is now. I know he is in good hands. And I hope he will find true happiness there.

••••••••••

After reading the news on twitter last night, I feel lifeless again. The number of suicide incidents are rising. Days after I first committed suicide, there are a lot of suicide news all over the country including the infamous gay couple in SM Pampanga. The gay shot his partner with a gun and then he shot himself after. They are both dead. Now, it is Tyron Perez, who is dead now. I keep on thinking why I am still on earth and they are not. Is it true that the reason I am here is because of God’s miracle? Maybe. Because I should be dead right now after what I did on my last suicide attempt. Maybe God is telling me that I haven’t fulfilled my purpose on earth.

I just hope that I’ll never hear a news about suicide again. I don’t wanna hear sad stories.

And I hope someday, I’ll learn the reason why God let me live the second time around. I want to know my..

Life’s purpose.

1st Year Anniversary

28 Dec

Today marks the 1st Year Anniversary of my WordPress Blog, Annerifficweak. It has evolved from being just another wordpress blog to a personal blog. It has changed its blog name too, from “Strongest Among The Weakest” to “I Am Ms. Brightside”. How ironic because I am not strong and I can’t even look at the bright side of life this past few months. But I’ll try to be one. Promise.

Let me say THANK YOU to all of my blog readers. To my 25 followers, thank you for continuously supporting my blog. And to those who’ve been with me through the roughest and hardest days of my life, thank you for all the love, care and support you have given me. To all of my stalkers, haha, just kidding, thank you also for always visiting and checking up on how’s my life doing by reading my blog post. This blog has helped me a lot. I can write all of my feelings here without judgment from others. I can share my life’s ups and downs without people telling me, “I don’t care.” I’ve met different people from different sides of the world whom I considered as the best people in my life. Thank you. Thank you.

So, let us all greet I Am Ms. Brightside (formerly known as “The Strongest Among Weakest”) a HAPPY 1ST ANNIVERSARY.

***I hope you’ll continue to support my blog site and I hope to get more followers and readers too.

Leaving Soon

26 Dec

I’ll be leaving soon. Maybe on the first week or second week of January. I really don’t know. I’m going to a place where I don’t know anyone. I can’t tell you now where I am going. But I have a good reason for leaving. In that place, I cannot use the internet or phone. I have no source of entertainment except books. It’s a hard decision that I have to make. Leaving the life I am used to. Leaving my possessions so I can finally clear my head and heal my heart. I haven’t told any of my friends where I am going except for one whom I considered as my best friend. I have to leave. I need to leave. I need to find myself. I need to accept myself. I need to change for the better.

I won’t say goodbye ’cause I’ll be back soon.

PS: Since, books are my only source of entertainment, can you send/give a book that you’ll think will help me get through this life. A book that I can bring to that place. I hope this is not too much if I’m asking you for this. And please, do make a letter at the back page. Thank you.

Good Bye

22 Dec

I always believe that there’s always anew beginning whenever we say good bye. It’s not yet the end. It only gives you a second chance to make things right.

This week has been one roughest pace of my life. I almost ended my life but God let me live in this world again. Today I’m leaving Bataan. I’ll leave my family here. I’ll all the bad memories that happened. I’ll try to forget and forgive. I’m going to Manila later to start a new life. I’ll be living with my Ninang (Godmother) for awhile then maybe at my friend’s place until I already have a stable job. I’m leaving with only 2000 on my pocket. I know it’s not enough so I have to find a job as soon as possible. I’m still in the process of accepting the things that happened to me. Until now, I couldn’t sleep at night. I haven’t eaten for three days except for some crackers and water. My heart is still in pain. And I still look like a zombie. I still look lifeless. It’s not easy to move one especially if the ones who hurt you are your family. I don’t know if my dreams will ever come true now that I’m going to live independently. Good bye good bye good bye.

The hardest words to say. I have to say good bye to my nephews and nieces. We’re all crying. Sorry I’m such a cry baby. I cry a lot. Actually I’m crying right now. I have to say goodbye to my dog, Keanu. I might not ever see him again. My God, I can’t look at my dog’s face. He can feel that I am leaving.

Okay, enough of this drama. But before I leave, I want to say than you to those who helped me.

• Bryan – so okay, you’re reading my blog. But because of you, my bestfriend knew what happened to me. And BTW thank you ’cause she said that you’re worried about me and also I hate you for not replying when I BBMed you when I said thank you.
• Erlich – you’re the bestest friend I’d ever had. Thank you for all the encouraging words. And sorry if you couldn’t understand what I am saying when I called you. Thank you also to your parents because they always made me feel that I’m a part of your family.
• Ate Yang – thank you ’cause in everything that happened to me, you’re always there willing to help and for always reminding me that God is here to help me face all these challenges.
• Kim Patrick – we just talked a little but thank you. Because you still believed that I can face it all. You told me that I am a strong woman. And for telling me that you’ll never leave me. Friends forever right?
• Renxkyoko – my online friend. I know you got carried away by my stories but thank you ’cause you been always here to help. Although we’re miles apart and we didn’t know each other personally, I still consider you as one of my best friends. I hope to meet you soon. And I hope you’ve received my email.

There are so many people to thank for. Sorry I can’t tell it here all your names. It’ll be going to be the Guiness longest blog post if I do that. THANK YOU guys.

Good bye bad memories. Hello to my new life. 🙂

Stitches

20 Dec

These stitches would always remind all the pain, struggles and hurt that I experienced in my life. I would never forget the date August 24, 2011. The first time I committed suicide by taking 18 tablets of Mefenamic Acid. Recently, I did it again. Maybe I’m a psychotic. I am a suicidal. Last Friday, my mom and I fought because I asked for money. She’s not sending me money for three months and I had no more gadgets to sell. I was gonna used the money to have my passport and work as domestic helper/ nanny or caregiver in the nearby countries. She got angry and told things that I still never changed. I was still the same old Anne. I cried because until now she couldn’t forget the bad things that I’d done. The way I used her money to bought those gadgets that I thought would made me happy.. I thought she’d forgiven me but no. So I cried and then I saw my anti-anxiety drugs, Clonazepam. I knew from the start that overdosage of this drug may lead to comma. The doctor told me just to take 1/4 tablet to help me sleep. But on that day. I took 2 then I fell asleep. I wasn’t contented when I woke up. Then I took all the remaining tablets, 23 or 24 or 25. I couldn’t remember exactly how many. And then I bought a blade. I went to the room and slashed from left wrist. Real deep. Blood’s gushing down my shorts and floor. Then as I was slashing my right wrist, I collapsed. Maybe because of the drugs. Then I hear someone’s screaming. I couldn’t open my eyes. Somone’s carrying me. Then I woke up, still groggy I was at the clinic. They’re already cleaning my wounds. I knew one of the nurses there. Then I cried. I told her that I wanted to see Mom and Papa. I’d got 5 stitches and then we went home but I got a low grade fever. The next day I was shot with tetanus toxoid. I thought things will be different this time. Then my uncle and auntie came over. I couldn’t remember some of what their saying. But what they wanted to tell was I was a liar and I used my mom’s 100 thousand money. And she’s calling me an artist. You know the “paawa” affect. Because of that, I answered her back. “I’ve already sorry and punished myself because of that mistake but you never get over it. And also I didn’t stole it. I have my mother’s ATM card and she gave it to me. You’re telling the whole world that I’m a theft. But how about your daughter. How many times did she steal money from you, from your other daughter, from the NGOs money? I never told anyone about that but you, you want people to hate me.” Then she strted yelling and telling me that I shouldn’t mess with her family. And again, I was a liar according to them. And then I told her, you should stay away from our problems also because you’re just my uncle’s wife. Then my uncle slapped me really hard. A lot of people saw it. And he cursed that he’s going to kill me. I said, “go kill me. You think I’m afraid of dying?” And then after that my cousin, I don’t know why she’s annoyed but she keeps on getting mad at me. Telling me that I am crazy and I have schizo. And because I know a secret of her, I told the whole barangay that she’s having an affair with her daughter’s teacher. That’s the time she get all my things and told me to never come back.

I’m mad. I want revenge. I want them to see me successful. And those stitches and also the bruises I’ve got from the cigarettes, it will always remember what they did to me is unforgivable. I promise to God that they’ll kneel in front and will say sorry for what they did.

one Last Thought Before Sleeping

19 Dec

Okay this week was all about my suicide. You knew that my uncle slapped my face and told me he’s going to kill me. And then my auntie, the one who raised me up told me to get lost and just kill myself. I felt lost. I felt like no one loves me. I went to the beach. I though the waves gonna drown me. Then after that, I went to different stores to buy blade but they told they didn’t had one. Yes, I’m gonna use it to slash my carotid artery so I would die for sure. My friend saw me and tried to stop me from buying that thing. Then we went to my cousin’s house. We talked; me, my friend, my former tutor and my cousin’s husband. I was crying the whole. All I’d ever wanted was to kill myself and end my sufferings. I’m tried of this. No one really loves me. I don’t have a job to support my needs. I even sent messages to some of my friends saying thank you for the memories. And then, my friend Ryan Called me. He said that don’t do what I’m planning to do. Then our group, Ryan, Brent, Kim and Isay tweeted me that they’re giving me some money to help me start a new life. They know that I only have a few bucks in my pocket. Then I asked for my Ninang Beth. She said she’s going to send money next week after her hectic work. And my lesbian cousin’s girlfriend will also send me a little amount of money and will endorse me on her first job. My bestfriend Erlich asked if I want to stay with them then work at their mangi business. My former room mate Ate Arianne told me that she’s going to Bataan to take care of me or if I want, she’s going to send some money.And most of all, my Ninang Ofel told me that she never had a daughter and that maybe I’m the one she’s looking for. Well, I thank them for the help. But right now, all I want is Mom’s Forgiveness. Or maybe, I’ll attempt suicide again.

PS. My cousin whom I told you before who always neglect her children because of another guy, well, I found out that my things are outside their house. I do not live in their house now But I’m sleeping at one of my cousin’s house now. I don’t know where to go sleep next with my 220 pesos.

Maybe what I need to do now is sleep because people are talking that it feels like I don’t sleep at all.