Tag Archives: Pain

It’s Hard To Move On

30 Dec

I’ve started to see the light these past few days. I’m starting to look at the brighter side. With the my help of friends, WordPress people and my mom, I’m beginning to forget all the things from the past and I’m starting to move-on. Or that’s what I am making myself believe. This afternoon, all of the things my family have said and done to me start to pop in my head. I can hear their voices. I can feel their anger. And then I start to cry. It’s hard to forget my aunt, uncle and cousins have done. Instead of giving me love and support, they blame me for all the things that’s happening in our lives. Instead of comforting me, they put all my things outside their place and ask me to get the hell out of their house. They call me liar and crazy. Even my nephews and nieces believe that I am one and they tell them that I am going to hurt the kids. And much worse, they tell me that no one loves me. They have done enough damage in my heart and in my mind. The wounds in my heart are like the wounds in my hands. Until now, they are not yet healed and even though they are already healed, there are scars that will always remind me of the things from the past. I want to move on. I need to move on. I know a lot of people are helping me. My other cousins, my mom’s cousin, my mom, my friends and the WordPress people are all there to help me. But it’s hard to just forget everything. It’s hard to let the pain go away. I have forgiven my mom and she has forgiven me. She’s my mom, I love her and I’m willing to forget all the things she has said. But with my other relatives? I don’t know how long before I’ll begin to forgive and forget the things they have done.

My heart is in pain. My mind is troubled. My body is weak.

I’m not thinking of killing myself again but all I want is this pain to go away permanently and…

Forget the past and move on with my life.

Stitches

20 Dec

These stitches would always remind all the pain, struggles and hurt that I experienced in my life. I would never forget the date August 24, 2011. The first time I committed suicide by taking 18 tablets of Mefenamic Acid. Recently, I did it again. Maybe I’m a psychotic. I am a suicidal. Last Friday, my mom and I fought because I asked for money. She’s not sending me money for three months and I had no more gadgets to sell. I was gonna used the money to have my passport and work as domestic helper/ nanny or caregiver in the nearby countries. She got angry and told things that I still never changed. I was still the same old Anne. I cried because until now she couldn’t forget the bad things that I’d done. The way I used her money to bought those gadgets that I thought would made me happy.. I thought she’d forgiven me but no. So I cried and then I saw my anti-anxiety drugs, Clonazepam. I knew from the start that overdosage of this drug may lead to comma. The doctor told me just to take 1/4 tablet to help me sleep. But on that day. I took 2 then I fell asleep. I wasn’t contented when I woke up. Then I took all the remaining tablets, 23 or 24 or 25. I couldn’t remember exactly how many. And then I bought a blade. I went to the room and slashed from left wrist. Real deep. Blood’s gushing down my shorts and floor. Then as I was slashing my right wrist, I collapsed. Maybe because of the drugs. Then I hear someone’s screaming. I couldn’t open my eyes. Somone’s carrying me. Then I woke up, still groggy I was at the clinic. They’re already cleaning my wounds. I knew one of the nurses there. Then I cried. I told her that I wanted to see Mom and Papa. I’d got 5 stitches and then we went home but I got a low grade fever. The next day I was shot with tetanus toxoid. I thought things will be different this time. Then my uncle and auntie came over. I couldn’t remember some of what their saying. But what they wanted to tell was I was a liar and I used my mom’s 100 thousand money. And she’s calling me an artist. You know the “paawa” affect. Because of that, I answered her back. “I’ve already sorry and punished myself because of that mistake but you never get over it. And also I didn’t stole it. I have my mother’s ATM card and she gave it to me. You’re telling the whole world that I’m a theft. But how about your daughter. How many times did she steal money from you, from your other daughter, from the NGOs money? I never told anyone about that but you, you want people to hate me.” Then she strted yelling and telling me that I shouldn’t mess with her family. And again, I was a liar according to them. And then I told her, you should stay away from our problems also because you’re just my uncle’s wife. Then my uncle slapped me really hard. A lot of people saw it. And he cursed that he’s going to kill me. I said, “go kill me. You think I’m afraid of dying?” And then after that my cousin, I don’t know why she’s annoyed but she keeps on getting mad at me. Telling me that I am crazy and I have schizo. And because I know a secret of her, I told the whole barangay that she’s having an affair with her daughter’s teacher. That’s the time she get all my things and told me to never come back.

I’m mad. I want revenge. I want them to see me successful. And those stitches and also the bruises I’ve got from the cigarettes, it will always remember what they did to me is unforgivable. I promise to God that they’ll kneel in front and will say sorry for what they did.