Tag Archives: problems

2011 — A Year To Remember

31 Dec

2011 is almost over. A year that will always have a place in my heart. It consists of bittersweet memories. A year that may changed life forever. A year that I have to say good bye now. This year has a lot of memories. Happy days. Sad moments. The most challenging year of my life.

One of the best memories I have this year is when I finished my Bachelor’s degree. I am now a graduate of Bachelor of Nursing but I have decided not to take the board exam because it’s not something I have dreamed of. I cannot see myself working in a hospital. I love being a nurse. I love helping people who are sick. I love putting smile on my patient’s face. But it’s not meant for me. I am proud of the nurses around the world because they have one of the hardest jobs on earth. And I am proud of myself because I become a student nurse in my lifetime.

Another memories worth remembering this year is when I have my vacation in Boracay and Nueva Ecija. It’s been my dream to explore the beauty of the Philippines and of course to travel the world. And it’s special ’cause I’m with my friends. I am at the weakest point of my life when I go to those two places. At least, for a short period of time, I forget my problems and just enjoy life with my friends, with nature and with God.

Before the year ends, I have met a lot of amazing people from WordPress. People who give me hope. You know who you are and I will always be thankful for those people.

And most of all, the best thing that happened to me this year is when Keanu, my shih tzu, came into my life. He always brings joy to me. He never leaves me. He knows when I am lonely and sad. He looks at me whenever I am crying as if he’s telling me everything will be alright. That he’s there for me no matter what happens. He’s my baby. He’s my little brother. He’s just a dog but he gives meaning in my life.

But life is not always being happy. We have ups and downs. Life can be so unfair most of the time. This year, my uncle, the only person in this world who always tell me that he’s proud of me, died. He’s one of the best people in my life and yet he left us here. I remember his proud face when I graduated. The times when he talks to me. The times when he tells me I am one of the most intelligent people in our family. He will always stay in my heart and mind.

Aside from my uncle’s death, a lot of problems arise this year. Problems in our family. It is all because of money. The reason of our family war. The reason of my depression. The reason why I’ve decided to end my life. Not once but twice. It’s hard to decide on my life’s fate. The medicines I have taken, the blade, the cigarette, they are all part of my life. This is my darkest year. It’s hard to have a mental illness like mine. It’s hard when you don’t have support from your family. And most of all, it’s so hard when people judge you for what you’ve done. They think you have a disease like tuberculosis, HIV or any disease that can be contagious. They don’t want you to be near them. And they will spread gossips that you are crazy.

My life in 2011 maybe worse or much better than other people. We can’t tell. It is based on other people’s perception. But in this year, God has given me two chances to live. I can’t promise that I will not commit suicide again. Promises are made to broken, right? But what I want now is to forget all of the bad things that happened to me. It’s not easy but I’ll try my best. I want to start a new beginning. I want to forgive those people who hurt me. I want to have work. I want to travel the world. I want my dreams to come to life. I want my life to be normal. I want to be a strong person.

As I’ve said, it’s not easy but I’ll do my best to make it possible.

Say hello to 2012 and good bye to 2011.

Happy New Year everyone.

Leaving Soon

26 Dec

I’ll be leaving soon. Maybe on the first week or second week of January. I really don’t know. I’m going to a place where I don’t know anyone. I can’t tell you now where I am going. But I have a good reason for leaving. In that place, I cannot use the internet or phone. I have no source of entertainment except books. It’s a hard decision that I have to make. Leaving the life I am used to. Leaving my possessions so I can finally clear my head and heal my heart. I haven’t told any of my friends where I am going except for one whom I considered as my best friend. I have to leave. I need to leave. I need to find myself. I need to accept myself. I need to change for the better.

I won’t say goodbye ’cause I’ll be back soon.

PS: Since, books are my only source of entertainment, can you send/give a book that you’ll think will help me get through this life. A book that I can bring to that place. I hope this is not too much if I’m asking you for this. And please, do make a letter at the back page. Thank you.

one Last Thought Before Sleeping

19 Dec

Okay this week was all about my suicide. You knew that my uncle slapped my face and told me he’s going to kill me. And then my auntie, the one who raised me up told me to get lost and just kill myself. I felt lost. I felt like no one loves me. I went to the beach. I though the waves gonna drown me. Then after that, I went to different stores to buy blade but they told they didn’t had one. Yes, I’m gonna use it to slash my carotid artery so I would die for sure. My friend saw me and tried to stop me from buying that thing. Then we went to my cousin’s house. We talked; me, my friend, my former tutor and my cousin’s husband. I was crying the whole. All I’d ever wanted was to kill myself and end my sufferings. I’m tried of this. No one really loves me. I don’t have a job to support my needs. I even sent messages to some of my friends saying thank you for the memories. And then, my friend Ryan Called me. He said that don’t do what I’m planning to do. Then our group, Ryan, Brent, Kim and Isay tweeted me that they’re giving me some money to help me start a new life. They know that I only have a few bucks in my pocket. Then I asked for my Ninang Beth. She said she’s going to send money next week after her hectic work. And my lesbian cousin’s girlfriend will also send me a little amount of money and will endorse me on her first job. My bestfriend Erlich asked if I want to stay with them then work at their mangi business. My former room mate Ate Arianne told me that she’s going to Bataan to take care of me or if I want, she’s going to send some money.And most of all, my Ninang Ofel told me that she never had a daughter and that maybe I’m the one she’s looking for. Well, I thank them for the help. But right now, all I want is Mom’s Forgiveness. Or maybe, I’ll attempt suicide again.

PS. My cousin whom I told you before who always neglect her children because of another guy, well, I found out that my things are outside their house. I do not live in their house now But I’m sleeping at one of my cousin’s house now. I don’t know where to go sleep next with my 220 pesos.

Maybe what I need to do now is sleep because people are talking that it feels like I don’t sleep at all.

I Won’t Stop K*ll*ng Myself

19 Dec

my right wrist didn't had a deep cut 'cause that's the time I collapsed already

my right wrist didn’t had a deep cut ’cause that’s the time I collapsed already

my left hand was bandaged. i had d or 6 stitiches.

my left hand was bandaged. i had d or 6 stitiches.

Those are what happened to me last last night after I took almost 30 tablets of Clonazepam. I slashed my right but I already collapsed when I started to slash my right hand. I wanna die. And I won’t srop killing myself. I told you before I have Major Depression and I am suicidal. No one loves me. No one cares for me.

I’m better off dead.

I tried to Kill Myself again

18 Dec

Last night, I tried to kill myself again. I took almost 30 tablets of Clonazepam the slashed my wrist. My left arm is deeply wounded while my left arm I not. If you’re just going to tell me words of God or words of wisdom please DO NOT COMMNET. I don’t need this now.Last night, I tried to kill myself again. I took almost 30 tablets of Clonazepam then slashed my wrist. My left wrist is deeply wounded while my right arm I not. I want to end this life. All I want is to start a new life. I asked for money to start my life abroad but my mom said no. My Mom said no. I need help financially. I need a psychiatrist. If you’re just going to tell me words of God or words of wisdom please DON’T NEED THIS NOW.

Hopeless

17 Dec

I told you, depressions is taking over me. I hate my life. I hate them for doing this to me. I’m already for what big mistake that I did. Isn’t it enough that I don’t have money and I am just living with my cousin’s family? I got no money from my parents. I don’t have work. I only haVe 300 pesos I don’t know what to do.i I’ve tried searching for a job but I don’t qualify. I badly needed a job. My mind’s going crazy ’cause of my problems and no on is willing to help me.I don’t care if my job is about cleaning the toilets, collecting garbage, washing other’s clothes, becoming a housekeeper / nanny. I really don’t care. I just need to support myself. I want to be successful like those I’ve watched on tv. I already admitted my mistakes and I am ready to learn. I don’t want to live with my cousin anymore who’ve always telling me that she doesn’t have money to support my needs and my dog too. I’ve tried searching for jobs but I don’t qualify to be their employee. As I’ve said, I only have 300 pesos so I can’t start a business with just that kind amount of money. I asked Mom to give me money to prepare my papers going abroad. I know, I’m a nursing graduate and I’m only 20 years old to work as a domestic helper or nannny. I don’t care. But my mom, doesn’t agree with me. She’s not sending money to me. Even money to prepare my passport. How cool is that. I feel hopeless. My father has another family and for sure he’s not going to help me either. My relatives are financially unstable. I really want to go abroad to work. I can’t stand living here in the Philippines. If I just have at least 60000 in my pocket, maybe I’m already working abroad now.I don’t know where to ask help anymore. I’ve been crying the whole night. The truth, I want to kill myslef again. I’ve taken 27 tablets of Clonazepam already this morning. I don’t know why it hasn’t effected yet. I want to killed myself. No one’s willing to help me financially, emotionally and mentally. My friend’s their all gone. They’s just there when they need me. When I still have money. Even my relatives are like that. But now, they’s all gone. I’ve been good to them but now, I’m the worst person in the world for them. I also sell my two possessions before so I have somethinng to used for my everyday need. Now I only have my dog, my camera and a phone. I forget to tell you, I’m not living in our house because my mom doesn’t want to. And my dad, he doesn’t care about me. He has his own family. I’m really tired. I promised not to do the suicide thing again but what’s happening, without someone helping my financial needs or just helping me to work abroad, I’m sorry I have to do this. Before wrting this blog, I’ve already take almost 30 tablets of Clonazepam. I can’t stand straight now. I’m feeling drowsy. I wish I’ll have a comatose in one hour, two hours, three hours or more. I just need someone who can lend me money to start my new life. I just want someone who will love me like I want to be love by family. DREAMS DO NOT COME TRUE!

Good bye world. Goodbye wordpress friends. It’s nice reading you thougths. It’s nice sharing my problems with you.

Why Do All Good Things Come To An End?

15 Dec

Way back in college, I was one of the lucky guys when in terms of money, material things and good education. My University was one of the most prestigious universities in Manila. My course was one of the highest tuition fees in our school. I was not outdated when it comes to gadgets. I partied a lot. I went to bars, got drunk, smoked and danced all night as if there’s no tomorrow. I had out of town trips once in awhile. I bought all the books that I’d always wanted to read. I was blinded by money and short-term happiness. I thought with money, I could have gained a lot of friends.

Look at my life now. I’ve been unemployed for 8 months. I’ve tried looking for a job but I don’t have the qualities they need. I don’t have money in my ATM Card. As in zero balance. I’m living at my cousin’s house. And she’s always complaining about me. I’m trying to have a business but I don’t have a capital. I feel hopeless again. What on earth did I do in my life? And depression’s taking over me again.

I can’t stand my life anymore. 😦

No Pretentions

22 Oct

I’ve been staring for 5 minutes on my phone (I’m using WordPress for Android phones). I really don’t know what to write/type. To those who already read my previous post (Am I a Bad Person?), you might think I’m the worst person in the world. And honestly, I want to delete that post. But I want you to know who I am. I started this blog to have a personal diary. I don’t want to pretend someone I’m not. I’m not a good girl. Everybody makes mistakes. I want people here to know the real me.

I know that I’m not the only one here in WordPress who has the same problem as mine. Please do me a favor, write down your problems. Write down you feelings. There are maybe a lot of people who’ll judge you. But there are also, maybe a few, who will understand. Stop pretending you’re happy. Stop pretending you have a perfect life.

Just be yourself. Just like what I did. And I do not regret it.

I, My Mom and My Aunt

29 Jul

Something happened this afternoon. Something that couldn’t be easily forgotten.

My uncle came to our house. I thought he went to scold me. He knew that my mom and I were not in good terms and until now we’re not talking to each other. He asked me how I’ve been. I was just about to open my mouth to answer his question when his phone rung. My mom’s calling. She wanted to talk to me. So we talked and of course, as usual, she’s mad. No yelling but you could feel that she’s really mad and hurt. Here’s what we talked about; SHE DOESN’T WANT TO SEE ME AGAIN!!! Of course, “I was” and “I am” hurt by what she said. She’s my mother and she’s the only one I’ve got. I am an only child and my dad’s with his own family now. She also said that after three months, she’s not going to give me money. It’s my fault by the way because I insisted that I wouldn’t take the Nursing Licensure Exam because this’s something that I never dreamt of becoming. I also told her that I would find a job so I could study again(I want to be an engineer or an accountant). She decided that she would give me three months to find a job and after that we should forget each other. She also told me that I should live on my own, meaning, I wasn’t allowed to stay at my aunt’s house in Manila when I already have a job. She asked me to give our house keys to my uncle. She didn’t want me to stay in our house either.

After our little but heartbreaking chat, my aunt(my uncle’s wife) confronted me. I wasn’t aware that she’s with my uncle. She asked me what my problem is and that I could tell her everything. No one ever spoke to me like that in my family. I could see the sincerity and concern in her eyes. I was crying while telling her my problem and frustrations in life. They made me feel that I wasn’t alone. That I could rely on her. And when she stated these words, “Ano pa ba ang problema mo bukod kay mommy mo? Pwede mo sabihin sa amin ni tatay boy mo. Anak na rin ang tingin namin sa’yo Anne, nandito lang kami. Di ka namin papabayaan. ” It felt like God sent them(my aunt and uncle) from above to talk to me. They told me that everything would be back to normal and I could confide on them. I was touched. Never in my life someone made me feel special.

They already went home but still my tears kept falling. I thanked them for coming over. At least now, I know someone who still cares about me.

Thank you Nanay and Tatay. I just hope you’ll never give up on me like what my Mom did.