Tag Archives: suicide

It’s Hard To Move On

30 Dec

I’ve started to see the light these past few days. I’m starting to look at the brighter side. With the my help of friends, WordPress people and my mom, I’m beginning to forget all the things from the past and I’m starting to move-on. Or that’s what I am making myself believe. This afternoon, all of the things my family have said and done to me start to pop in my head. I can hear their voices. I can feel their anger. And then I start to cry. It’s hard to forget my aunt, uncle and cousins have done. Instead of giving me love and support, they blame me for all the things that’s happening in our lives. Instead of comforting me, they put all my things outside their place and ask me to get the hell out of their house. They call me liar and crazy. Even my nephews and nieces believe that I am one and they tell them that I am going to hurt the kids. And much worse, they tell me that no one loves me. They have done enough damage in my heart and in my mind. The wounds in my heart are like the wounds in my hands. Until now, they are not yet healed and even though they are already healed, there are scars that will always remind me of the things from the past. I want to move on. I need to move on. I know a lot of people are helping me. My other cousins, my mom’s cousin, my mom, my friends and the WordPress people are all there to help me. But it’s hard to just forget everything. It’s hard to let the pain go away. I have forgiven my mom and she has forgiven me. She’s my mom, I love her and I’m willing to forget all the things she has said. But with my other relatives? I don’t know how long before I’ll begin to forgive and forget the things they have done.

My heart is in pain. My mind is troubled. My body is weak.

I’m not thinking of killing myself again but all I want is this pain to go away permanently and…

Forget the past and move on with my life.

An Actor Found Dead In His Car

29 Dec

It has been all over the news last night that Tyron Perez (a contender of a reality show, Starstruck 1) is found dead in an abandoned car. It is believed that he committed suicide. I feel sad for him. I can feel his pain. I can see his face crying while he is deciding which fate he will choose. It also breaks my heart that a lot of people are judging him because of what he did to himself. I want to defend him. I want to scream at those people. I want to tell them “You don’t know a thing about him so please stop judging him and just let him rest in peace.” We don’t know each other personally but I feel sorry for him. I just hope that he is happy wherever he is now. I know he is in good hands. And I hope he will find true happiness there.

••••••••••

After reading the news on twitter last night, I feel lifeless again. The number of suicide incidents are rising. Days after I first committed suicide, there are a lot of suicide news all over the country including the infamous gay couple in SM Pampanga. The gay shot his partner with a gun and then he shot himself after. They are both dead. Now, it is Tyron Perez, who is dead now. I keep on thinking why I am still on earth and they are not. Is it true that the reason I am here is because of God’s miracle? Maybe. Because I should be dead right now after what I did on my last suicide attempt. Maybe God is telling me that I haven’t fulfilled my purpose on earth.

I just hope that I’ll never hear a news about suicide again. I don’t wanna hear sad stories.

And I hope someday, I’ll learn the reason why God let me live the second time around. I want to know my..

Life’s purpose.

Be A Strong Person

26 Dec

Yesterday’s Christmas and I was with my Ninang’s family. Not so happy though ’cause I didn’t know most of the people there. So let’s not just talk about how I spent my Christmas.

Today, I went to Pasay, at my Uncle’s place. My cousin/Ninong wanted me to go here so he could give his gift to me. But I still had to go to his place in Makati later to get it.

The real story about this blog was when I went to a clinic to have a check-up. (I still have the stitches from that incident). I went to a clinic near my Uncle’s place to finally removed my stitches. Of course, the doctor asked the story about my slashed-wrist incident. We talked about it, I cried, told her I couldn’t remember some things (she said I might have a selective amnesia/memory loss or post-traumatic amnesis/memory loss of what happened). Honestly, I couldn’t remember writing some of the blog post I’d written these past few days. The pictures of what happened to me was one of those things I couldn’t remember. There’s also an incident that I was in the beach, trying to drown myself. I didn’t know how I got there. So amnesia is true? Instead of just removing my stitches, she became a counselor. She told me that it’s miracle that I was still alive right now. Really, I should be dead right now but here I am, still alive. The first time I committed suicide, all my laboratory results were normal. And the second time, I took 27 tablets of Clonazepam and I slashed my wrist. I wasn’t hospitalized or even had a gastric lavage. They just stitched my wrist and that’s it. I lost more than 150 ml of blood plus with 27 tablets of Clonazepam, I should be in coma right now. It’s really a miracle. Maybe God really loves me and maybe I haven’t fulfilled my purpose in Earth. She told me that the first step to healing was to accept myself for who I am. I should also remember that there’s always someone out there who loves me. And I should love life.

She told me to be a strong person. Well, everyone said that I should be one.

But it’s hard to be one. I feel so weak or is it just in my mind? Maybe I should tell myself to be a strong person. That’s the only way to face my life challenges, right.

So Anne, you have to be strong, okay? Promise, yourself. Please, promise yourself.

PS: I have made one of the hardest decision in my life. I’ll tell you…

Soon.

Stitches

20 Dec

These stitches would always remind all the pain, struggles and hurt that I experienced in my life. I would never forget the date August 24, 2011. The first time I committed suicide by taking 18 tablets of Mefenamic Acid. Recently, I did it again. Maybe I’m a psychotic. I am a suicidal. Last Friday, my mom and I fought because I asked for money. She’s not sending me money for three months and I had no more gadgets to sell. I was gonna used the money to have my passport and work as domestic helper/ nanny or caregiver in the nearby countries. She got angry and told things that I still never changed. I was still the same old Anne. I cried because until now she couldn’t forget the bad things that I’d done. The way I used her money to bought those gadgets that I thought would made me happy.. I thought she’d forgiven me but no. So I cried and then I saw my anti-anxiety drugs, Clonazepam. I knew from the start that overdosage of this drug may lead to comma. The doctor told me just to take 1/4 tablet to help me sleep. But on that day. I took 2 then I fell asleep. I wasn’t contented when I woke up. Then I took all the remaining tablets, 23 or 24 or 25. I couldn’t remember exactly how many. And then I bought a blade. I went to the room and slashed from left wrist. Real deep. Blood’s gushing down my shorts and floor. Then as I was slashing my right wrist, I collapsed. Maybe because of the drugs. Then I hear someone’s screaming. I couldn’t open my eyes. Somone’s carrying me. Then I woke up, still groggy I was at the clinic. They’re already cleaning my wounds. I knew one of the nurses there. Then I cried. I told her that I wanted to see Mom and Papa. I’d got 5 stitches and then we went home but I got a low grade fever. The next day I was shot with tetanus toxoid. I thought things will be different this time. Then my uncle and auntie came over. I couldn’t remember some of what their saying. But what they wanted to tell was I was a liar and I used my mom’s 100 thousand money. And she’s calling me an artist. You know the “paawa” affect. Because of that, I answered her back. “I’ve already sorry and punished myself because of that mistake but you never get over it. And also I didn’t stole it. I have my mother’s ATM card and she gave it to me. You’re telling the whole world that I’m a theft. But how about your daughter. How many times did she steal money from you, from your other daughter, from the NGOs money? I never told anyone about that but you, you want people to hate me.” Then she strted yelling and telling me that I shouldn’t mess with her family. And again, I was a liar according to them. And then I told her, you should stay away from our problems also because you’re just my uncle’s wife. Then my uncle slapped me really hard. A lot of people saw it. And he cursed that he’s going to kill me. I said, “go kill me. You think I’m afraid of dying?” And then after that my cousin, I don’t know why she’s annoyed but she keeps on getting mad at me. Telling me that I am crazy and I have schizo. And because I know a secret of her, I told the whole barangay that she’s having an affair with her daughter’s teacher. That’s the time she get all my things and told me to never come back.

I’m mad. I want revenge. I want them to see me successful. And those stitches and also the bruises I’ve got from the cigarettes, it will always remember what they did to me is unforgivable. I promise to God that they’ll kneel in front and will say sorry for what they did.

At The Beach

20 Dec

It’s already 9am in the morning. I haven’t got enough sleep since I committed suicide. When I’m at the beach I feel safe. the sounds of the waves, the swinging if the birds and the fresh air. At least for once, I can forget all of the pain I have inside. I want to forget everything. I want to start a new life.

I Won’t Stop K*ll*ng Myself

19 Dec

my right wrist didn't had a deep cut 'cause that's the time I collapsed already

my right wrist didn’t had a deep cut ’cause that’s the time I collapsed already

my left hand was bandaged. i had d or 6 stitiches.

my left hand was bandaged. i had d or 6 stitiches.

Those are what happened to me last last night after I took almost 30 tablets of Clonazepam. I slashed my right but I already collapsed when I started to slash my right hand. I wanna die. And I won’t srop killing myself. I told you before I have Major Depression and I am suicidal. No one loves me. No one cares for me.

I’m better off dead.

I tried to Kill Myself again

18 Dec

Last night, I tried to kill myself again. I took almost 30 tablets of Clonazepam the slashed my wrist. My left arm is deeply wounded while my left arm I not. If you’re just going to tell me words of God or words of wisdom please DO NOT COMMNET. I don’t need this now.Last night, I tried to kill myself again. I took almost 30 tablets of Clonazepam then slashed my wrist. My left wrist is deeply wounded while my right arm I not. I want to end this life. All I want is to start a new life. I asked for money to start my life abroad but my mom said no. My Mom said no. I need help financially. I need a psychiatrist. If you’re just going to tell me words of God or words of wisdom please DON’T NEED THIS NOW.

Hopeless

17 Dec

I told you, depressions is taking over me. I hate my life. I hate them for doing this to me. I’m already for what big mistake that I did. Isn’t it enough that I don’t have money and I am just living with my cousin’s family? I got no money from my parents. I don’t have work. I only haVe 300 pesos I don’t know what to do.i I’ve tried searching for a job but I don’t qualify. I badly needed a job. My mind’s going crazy ’cause of my problems and no on is willing to help me.I don’t care if my job is about cleaning the toilets, collecting garbage, washing other’s clothes, becoming a housekeeper / nanny. I really don’t care. I just need to support myself. I want to be successful like those I’ve watched on tv. I already admitted my mistakes and I am ready to learn. I don’t want to live with my cousin anymore who’ve always telling me that she doesn’t have money to support my needs and my dog too. I’ve tried searching for jobs but I don’t qualify to be their employee. As I’ve said, I only have 300 pesos so I can’t start a business with just that kind amount of money. I asked Mom to give me money to prepare my papers going abroad. I know, I’m a nursing graduate and I’m only 20 years old to work as a domestic helper or nannny. I don’t care. But my mom, doesn’t agree with me. She’s not sending money to me. Even money to prepare my passport. How cool is that. I feel hopeless. My father has another family and for sure he’s not going to help me either. My relatives are financially unstable. I really want to go abroad to work. I can’t stand living here in the Philippines. If I just have at least 60000 in my pocket, maybe I’m already working abroad now.I don’t know where to ask help anymore. I’ve been crying the whole night. The truth, I want to kill myslef again. I’ve taken 27 tablets of Clonazepam already this morning. I don’t know why it hasn’t effected yet. I want to killed myself. No one’s willing to help me financially, emotionally and mentally. My friend’s their all gone. They’s just there when they need me. When I still have money. Even my relatives are like that. But now, they’s all gone. I’ve been good to them but now, I’m the worst person in the world for them. I also sell my two possessions before so I have somethinng to used for my everyday need. Now I only have my dog, my camera and a phone. I forget to tell you, I’m not living in our house because my mom doesn’t want to. And my dad, he doesn’t care about me. He has his own family. I’m really tired. I promised not to do the suicide thing again but what’s happening, without someone helping my financial needs or just helping me to work abroad, I’m sorry I have to do this. Before wrting this blog, I’ve already take almost 30 tablets of Clonazepam. I can’t stand straight now. I’m feeling drowsy. I wish I’ll have a comatose in one hour, two hours, three hours or more. I just need someone who can lend me money to start my new life. I just want someone who will love me like I want to be love by family. DREAMS DO NOT COME TRUE!

Good bye world. Goodbye wordpress friends. It’s nice reading you thougths. It’s nice sharing my problems with you.

Reflect!

8 Dec

Hello from Bataan! So my five-day vacation is finally over. 😦 I’m gonna miss Nueva Ecija, the place wherein I found God.

Almost all of the members of our family are devoted Roman Catholic. They go to church every Sunday. They pray the rosary every 6pm. they are always present when there’s an activity in the church. I’m the complete opposite of them. I seldom go to church. i only pray when I need something. There comes a time when I almost become an atheist. Yeah, that’s true. I get angry with God. I blame Him for what’s happening with my life. I almost don’t believe that He exists. But my trip in Nueva Ecija changes everything.

Upon arriving at Munoz, I met Ate Arianne and we went straight to their church. A Christian church. She told me they had a choir practice. So I agreed to go with her. After their practice, I wasn’t expecting that they would have “sharing”. Read my previous post “My First Day in Munoz”. The second day, we went to Central Luzon State University. We had cell group and discussed about God to freshmen and sophomore college students. Of course, we had sharing of ideas and our experiences. I almost told them my secret. That night, Ate Arianne and I talked about my problems. Of course, I cried while telling her about my frustations in life, the things that I’d done wrong, and the moment when I almost ended my life, the day I committed suicide. It’s hard telling someone the only in my life that I’d always wanted to forget but at the same time it also felt good ’cause I know that someone’s willing to listen and understand without judgement. And while we’re talking I realized something, God really loves me. Why??? Because He let me live in this world. You know what, I took 18 tablets of Mefenamic Acid last August 24. I had 30 tablets more in our medicine cabinet but I wasn;t able to took those pills because the SWAT already found me. There were a lot of people outside our house. The paramedics were already there. They immediately admiitted me in the hospital. The nurse and the doctore wanted to put NGT to me but I said no. If God wasn’t good, I might be dead right now. But He is good. He made a miracle to me. He gave me a second chance. He gave me another life. If you had knowledge about medicine, you would know that overdosage of MFA could lead to gastro-intestinal bleeding, stomachache, liver toxicity and kidney toxicity. But nothing happened to me. I didn’t felt any pain. My laboratory results were all normal. As if I only took candies. You might say that the hospital staffs cured me but no! The only medicine I had at that time was D5LR and anti-biotic via IV because of UTI. And like I told you, I didn’t agreed on the NGT thing. Ate Arianne made me realized the miracle that happened to me. And I thanked her. And most of all I thanked God. And there’s more, after almost 2 months, my called me. My mom and I had a fight and we’re not talking and she’s not giving me money. Really, with God, everything is possible.

I’m not proud of what I’ve done. But what I want is YOU, to reflect and realize all the good things that God has given you. Don’t let your anger leads you to darkness. And don’t you ever dare to do what I’ve done because that’s the greatest sin in the world.

Always pray and thank Him. God bless you. 🙂

Am I really a Bad Person?

19 Oct

It’s past 12 midnight right now in the Philippines. I can’t sleep. Been cryin’ for an hour now I don’t know how to stop these tears from falling.

I don’t know what’s happenening to me. I’ve been a bad daughter, a bad Cristian and a bad person. I have done so.many things in my life that maybe even God cannot forgive. There are so many things you don’t know about me. Things that I haven’t told you. I do things that I regret. These past few months are thew worst. I have my mom’s ATM card and I’ve spent all the money there. That’s one of the reasons why we’re on a fight. I’ve tried looking for a job to replace all the money but I failed. Looking for a job in a third world country like the Philippines is like looking for an alive dinosaur. It’s impossible. Even if you have good credentials. And they want people with experience in working. I want to scream and tell those employers, “How can I get a working experience if you won’t hire me. Stupid.” Okay. Okay. So I stopped. I feel like I’m such a big fat loser. I’ve been depressed. Yeah really. I’ve been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder last August. Remember my blog post? The suicide thing? The problems enlisted there plus my mom’s money plus I couldn’t find a job = suicide. Yes. I committed suicide last August. That’s why I’ve been silent for more than a month. I’ve seen psyciatrist, gone to gym and taken medicines for anxiety and depression. After a month, I thought everything will be okay. But then again, my mom and I started to fight again. And now, it’s different. My whole family including my cousins, aunts and uncles are against me now. They are trying to help me but I’m pushing them away. I answer back to them. I don’t respect them anymore. Why am I like this? Why can’t I accept the fact that I’m the reason why all of these things are happening? Why do I have to feel this?

Why?