Damn!!!!!

I thought after my rehabilitation, no more problem would come my way.

But no!!!!! More problems. And I couldn’t seem to find a soultion. Or maybe I was wrong. I was trying to solve those problems but my way was wrong. The conclusion? There would be another problem.

I just wrote last night about the fucked up wedding. And this morning, my uncle talked to me. My mom found out about it already. We kept it a secret to her because we knew from the start her reaction if ever she found out. Now, she wanted me to run away from home. She told my uncle not to accept me to their home. She wanted me to be alone. I couldn’t blame her. All I ever did was gave my family a lot of problems. I was a big pain on their ass!!!! I was a total loser.

F*ck my life. F*ck myself!

Where else would I go? I had bo money. No job. No family.

Suicide??? Yes I’m thinking.of commiting this sin again but hell no!!!! No more suicide. All I wanted is to get rid of these damn problems and be happy.

When He Said No

No more wedding.

He said he’s not ready. He said he had to let go of me.

Devastated? Yes.

Sad? Yes.

Angry? Definitely.

I feel like I’m a piece of trash. I don’t know what to do. I love him. I gave up my family for him. I gave him everything he wanted. I thought all’s going to be well. I know I said I’m not yet ready to have a family. But I wasn’t prepared for his unexpected decision. He let me go. We’re living together already then he told me to go home because he’s not yet ready for marriage. He said he tried but he wasn’t prepared for another responsibility. He said he wanted to go to abroad first. He said if ever he came back and I still don’t belong to someone else, then that’s the time he would marry me. But as of now, we should go on our separate ways.

F*CK HIM!!!!

And I thought, dramas were seen on movies only. Gosh, my life is one piece of a long story drama series!!!!

Work

I need to find a job. Soon. Period.

Too Fast

Two weeks had past since my last post. There’s so many things happened.

Bad. Good.

My boyfriend got back together. He told me he loves me. Of course, I believed him. Then last February 16, we celebrated our first monthsary. And I also decided to end my life again. Yes. For the 3rd time. I felt so alone that time. I’d got tired. I felt like my boyfriend wasn’t serious in our relationship. My mom still angry. I was mad at myself. All the people around me were disappointed of my decisions. I felt like that I was useless. I felt like everyone was angry at me. I wanted to runaway but I didn’t know where place to go. So my only choice was to end my life. I took my patient’s sleeping pills and locked myself. I was sending message to the people whom I loved. And then I fell asleep.

Next thing I knew, I was lying in the hospital bed. My cousin, aunt and uncle were there. I had nasogastric tube. I couldn’t remember how I ended up in the hospital. Everything’s a bit blurry. Of course, the effect of the sleeping pills.

And then, we went home. I slept again because the effect of the medicine hadn’t fade. When I woke up the next day, my aunt told me to call my boyfriend and tell him to come over so they could talk about our wedding. I was shocked. But all I could do was to obey them.

February 19, my boyfriend and his family went to our place. We called it “pamamanhikan”. A tradition in the Philippines wherein the guy’s family would come to the girl’s family and would about marriage, etc. So after an hour, my boyfriend and I were engaged. My aunts, uncles and cousins were present. My mom, well, she didn’t care about me. She said, she doesn’t have a daughter anymore.

Right now, I was living with my fiance. At first, I was happy. Being with him was ecstatic. But now, I realized everthing’s happening too fast. I wasn’t prepared for this. I’m still young. I am jobless. I’m not yet ready to start a family. But what can I do now??? And I think I’m already pregnant.

I don’t know what to do now. Really.

But I don’t want to runaway again.

Very Rocky Road

My boyfriend and I broke up. My mom told me she had already forgotten she had a daughter. I wasn’t allowed to go outside the rehabilitation facility. I don’t have money.

F*ck this whole thing. I’d been working here for three months but until now, they haven’t given me a single cent. I’m giving my service for free. I want to find another job so I could have money but they didn’t want me to. Oh God. How about my personal belongings??? I don’t have any money now to buy those things. Gosh, how can I survive this. Can I surpass this another challenge in my life.

I want to have work. I want my mom to love me again. And I want him back in my life.

I feel so alone. Useless. I feel like no one loves me.

Can anybody hear me????

I’m tired of this.

My 2nd Failed Relationship

January 16, 2013 — we became official couple.

January 30, 2013 — I broke up with him because he dated his ex girlfriend.

February 1, 2013 — he came to see me and told me he loves me and he wanted to live with me in one house as life time partners.
(…….4 hours later —- he broke up with me.)

After 2 weeks of being together, he finally called it off. 2 weeks, yes, short isn’t it? And yet it is the most wonderful time that ever happened to me.

His name is Ryan. We’ve known each other for 6 months. Where did I met him???? Well, of course, here in the rehabilitation center. We’re both ex-patients. I was a depressive patient with disobedient behavior while he is a drug addict. An ex-addict. He’s 32 years old while I’m only 21 years old. He had been in a lot of failed relationship before including his live-in partners. While I only had one relationship in my life time. He had 2 kids with 2 different women. Well, of course, I don’t have any. So how come, we became together as a couple? First things first, I am now a nurse here in the rehabilitation. So he’s my patient when we fell in love with each other. It’s the first week of January when we both found out that our feelings are mutual. It’s with the help of my workmate. But we had to hide our feelings because it is strictly prohibited in the rehabilitation to fall in love. So our only means of communication was my workmate. Days after that, I found out that he’s going home after he’s 6-month rehabilitation. We’re both happy because finally we could be together. January 16 was the date he went home. But before he left the rehabilitation, he held my hand and told me he’d be back for me. Then he gave me a scarf and he wrote there, Mahal kita Anne. Babalik ako sa’yo. (I love you, Anne. I’ll b back for you.) That night, he called me and told me he loves me. I told him I love him too. The next day, he went to the rehabilitation to see me. He hugged me and give a peck on my left cheek and again he told me he loves me. The next day, it’s my day off from work. So, I went to his place. I met his family and he told them that I am his girlfriend. His family likes me. I slept at their place. We went to the seashore. We dreamt of our future. We talked a lot of things the whole night. January 20 when we had our first date. We went to mall and then to church. The following week was even happier. He cooked afritada for me. We bake together. And then I spent my 2-day off again at their place. We were so happy being together. We watched movies. I cooked food for him. He told his friends that I am his wife. We bonded with his family. Things were perfect until my mom found out I was with him. She didn’t like him because of his reputation. So she told the staff in the rehabilitation about us. And that’s the start of the impending chaos. The executive director wanted us to break up. She talked to Ryan’s mother. And then, another problem came. His ex girlfriend came to see him and he didn’t told me. His aunt told me about them. I was so angry so I broke up with him. After 2 days, he came to see me. He said I was the one he truly loves. And so I believed him. But of course, it’s not a happy ending. My workmates talked to him. As I’d said, my boss wanted us to break up. I don’t know what kind of shit they told him. All I know was that they ruined our relationship because after he talked to them, he broke up with me. He told me, he wanted to find himself first. He told me he didn’t love me that much, etc. He said sorry. And that’s the end of everything.

I believe in everything he said to me; every promises he made. I gave up everything for him. My mom told she doesn’t want to see me again. And now, I have a restriction order. I wasn’t allowed to go outside the facility. I feel like I am a patient again. Truly, there’s a lot of consequences of loving him. I don’t regret any of this but how I wish he didn’t give up on us. It’s so sad to know that I am the only one fighting for our relationahip. Moving on is the only way to go on with my life. But it’s not easy.

I love him so much that it hurts….
…. but still, I’m willing to wait til he comes back to me.

Should I Believe In Love Again????

Been crying since yesterday morning. Why is it so hard to heal this fucking heart??? Why di I have to fall in love with guys who are cheaters. I’ve been cheated not once, but twice. I hate life. I hate live. I don’t know what to believe anymore. I don’t what’s wrong with me. I feel so alone. I feel abandoned. I don’t want to believe in love again.