Suicidal Thoughts

Have you ever feel that you’re alone and no one understands you? The feeling that you’re tired of all the things happening around you? You have no one to talk to but yourself? And all you’ve ever wanted at that moment is to end all of your sufferings?

If you’re going to ask me those questions, my answer is YES! I feel so alone. I feel like no understands me. No one knows that I have a problem because no one ever asks me. I have under a lot of stress lately. I don’t know what to do. All I can do is cry, cry and cry. I’m afraid this will lead to depression or maybe I am on that state already. All I want is for them to understand me. I want support from my family and friends. But instead, they are the one who hurt me emotionally and physically(when I was a child).

It all started when I was living with my uncle. I was 2 years old back then. His wife would beat me whenever I did something she didn’t like. I remember one time, I was drinking softdrinks and suddenly it split and it stained my dress. She beat me and my uncle did nothing. Imagine, he’s my uncle and all he did was watched my aunt beat me up until I got bruises. I never told my mom about this(my mom’s working abroad up to now).

When I was in Grade 3, I should be the on the “Top 3 Most Outstanding Students” but my teacher back then was my classmate’s aunt. So she switched our places and I became the Top 4 and he became the Top 3. I didn’t complain although it made me feel bad because that’s me! I just kept my feelings to myself rather than telling it to other people. But that incident affected my studies. Since then, I never studied my lessons. I got low grades and from being Top 4, I became Top 8.

And then when I was in 5th grade, my grandmother told me that my father would never live with us because he had a family even before he met my mother. When my mother came back to the Philippines for a vacation, I didn’t brought up the topic to her. I was to afraid to know the truth. But one night, she asked me what I knew. I didn’t answer her question and all I could do was cry(I’m very good at it). And then she told me the truth. You know what, ever since a kid, all I’d ever wanted was to be with my parents and live a very happy life. But that night, I knew that my dream would never come true.

Right after my elementary graduation, I went to the city. I left my friends and all the people I knew behind to have a better education. But here, i met the worst people in the world. The bully ones. Yes, I’d been bullied by my “friends”. Of all the people in our class, my friends were the one who made my highschool life miserable. They said bad things about my appearance. My curly hair and they even told me that I had body odor. I never confronted them. I thought that it would just made things worst. So I called my mom and cried. I told her everything but she did nothing. For four years, I lived in a place called hell.

College, okay this was the happiest moment of my life. I told to myself, “You’re free now. You will never see them again.” Happiest and yet the worst. Why? Because I took B.S. Nursing. I never dreamed of becoming a nurse. But of course, my mom’s the one who decided it. I also met people who wanted to be with me when they needed something. This’s when I’d got my first and second heartbreak. I never had a boyfriend because I was fat. I had friends but are they really my friends?

And now, I’m already done with college but I still have a lot of problems(just read my previous posts).

Because of those things I’ve already told you, I think that my life is a big mess. No one will care whether I’m gone or not. and let me tell you something, I have passive suicidal ideation(wanting to die but has no plans of killing myself) before. But after what happened this past few days and after reading the book entitled “Thirteen Reasons Why”, I’ve thought of ending my life again. But now, I’m serious. You may think I’m crazy. Yes maybe I am. But I have the signs of a suicidal person. I answered a questionnaire about signs of suicide here http://www.stopasuicide.org/signs.aspx and then the result is “If you checked boxes under Parts I and II, the suicide risk is even higher.”

Other than that, my other signs are hopelessness, depression, lost of interest in activities, persistent thoughts about the possibility of something bad happening, anxiety, insomnia/sleep deprivation, sudden change of appearance(got a hair cut after almost a year). If you read this, maybe you’re going to ask me, “If you’re really serious about of ending your life, then why would you write it in here?” The answer is……… none of my friends and relatives knows about my blog site. Actually there is one. But I doubt that he’ll going to visit this site again. I hope he’s not too late when read this.

Or maybe, I just want you, YES YOU, to help me.

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