Suicidal Thoughts

6 Aug

Have you ever feel that you’re alone and no one understands you? The feeling that you’re tired of all the things happening around you? You have no one to talk to but yourself? And all you’ve ever wanted at that moment is to end all of your sufferings?

If you’re going to ask me those questions, my answer is YES! I feel so alone. I feel like no understands me. No one knows that I have a problem because no one ever asks me. I have under a lot of stress lately. I don’t know what to do. All I can do is cry, cry and cry. I’m afraid this will lead to depression or maybe I am on that state already. All I want is for them to understand me. I want support from my family and friends. But instead, they are the one who hurt me emotionally and physically(when I was a child).

It all started when I was living with my uncle. I was 2 years old back then. His wife would beat me whenever I did something she didn’t like. I remember one time, I was drinking softdrinks and suddenly it split and it stained my dress. She beat me and my uncle did nothing. Imagine, he’s my uncle and all he did was watched my aunt beat me up until I got bruises. I never told my mom about this(my mom’s working abroad up to now).

When I was in Grade 3, I should be the on the “Top 3 Most Outstanding Students” but my teacher back then was my classmate’s aunt. So she switched our places and I became the Top 4 and he became the Top 3. I didn’t complain although it made me feel bad because that’s me! I just kept my feelings to myself rather than telling it to other people. But that incident affected my studies. Since then, I never studied my lessons. I got low grades and from being Top 4, I became Top 8.

And then when I was in 5th grade, my grandmother told me that my father would never live with us because he had a family even before he met my mother. When my mother came back to the Philippines for a vacation, I didn’t brought up the topic to her. I was to afraid to know the truth. But one night, she asked me what I knew. I didn’t answer her question and all I could do was cry(I’m very good at it). And then she told me the truth. You know what, ever since a kid, all I’d ever wanted was to be with my parents and live a very happy life. But that night, I knew that my dream would never come true.

Right after my elementary graduation, I went to the city. I left my friends and all the people I knew behind to have a better education. But here, i met the worst people in the world. The bully ones. Yes, I’d been bullied by my “friends”. Of all the people in our class, my friends were the one who made my highschool life miserable. They said bad things about my appearance. My curly hair and they even told me that I had body odor. I never confronted them. I thought that it would just made things worst. So I called my mom and cried. I told her everything but she did nothing. For four years, I lived in a place called hell.

College, okay this was the happiest moment of my life. I told to myself, “You’re free now. You will never see them again.” Happiest and yet the worst. Why? Because I took B.S. Nursing. I never dreamed of becoming a nurse. But of course, my mom’s the one who decided it. I also met people who wanted to be with me when they needed something. This’s when I’d got my first and second heartbreak. I never had a boyfriend because I was fat. I had friends but are they really my friends?

And now, I’m already done with college but I still have a lot of problems(just read my previous posts).

Because of those things I’ve already told you, I think that my life is a big mess. No one will care whether I’m gone or not. and let me tell you something, I have passive suicidal ideation(wanting to die but has no plans of killing myself) before. But after what happened this past few days and after reading the book entitled “Thirteen Reasons Why”, I’ve thought of ending my life again. But now, I’m serious. You may think I’m crazy. Yes maybe I am. But I have the signs of a suicidal person. I answered a questionnaire about signs of suicide here and then the result is “If you checked boxes under Parts I and II, the suicide risk is even higher.”

Other than that, my other signs are hopelessness, depression, lost of interest in activities, persistent thoughts about the possibility of something bad happening, anxiety, insomnia/sleep deprivation, sudden change of appearance(got a hair cut after almost a year). If you read this, maybe you’re going to ask me, “If you’re really serious about of ending your life, then why would you write it in here?” The answer is……… none of my friends and relatives knows about my blog site. Actually there is one. But I doubt that he’ll going to visit this site again. I hope he’s not too late when read this.

Or maybe, I just want you, YES YOU, to help me.


8 Responses to “Suicidal Thoughts”

  1. trusting2 August 6, 2011 at 3:46 pm #

    Life was and is difficult for you. I am sorry for what happened. I don’t know whether you are there or not. You say that you want to end your life. I would ask you, is it because you do want to finish your life or because you want the pain to go away?


    • annerifficweak August 7, 2011 at 12:09 am #

      Yes, life has been difficult for me. I want the pain to go away. I’m tire of being hurt. 😥

  2. cjot August 6, 2011 at 4:09 pm #

    There are people who understand. There are people who will miss you. I’m glad you reached out. I hope to hear back from you 🙂

    • annerifficweak August 7, 2011 at 12:11 am #

      How I wish they would understand and miss me. But I guess, that wouldn’t happen.

  3. renxkyoko August 16, 2011 at 6:15 am #

    Annerifficweak, your posts have rendered me totally speechless !

    I am sorry too that I have been so busy with my 2 jobs, and I couldn’t check out the blogs I wanted to read, youts included.

    I hope you are well.

    Please don’t be alone with your thoughts. Life is so precious. Others whose lives are most horrible are struggling to live. Talk to those whom you trust. You will know there are so many who love you. Cheer up. Chin up !

    • annerifficweak August 16, 2011 at 11:24 am #

      hey Renxkyoko. Don’t be sorry. I’m fine now. Ahmm. Not really fine but at least I’m getting better.

      I tried talking to one of my friends, but she didn’t listen. I felt really hopeless after talking to her. I almost gave up my life but thanks to my guy friend who always checked on me and always reminded me not to give up. Last Thursday, we went to church together and that’s the time I realized that suicide’s not the solution to my problems.

      I’m still thinking of seeking professional help but I have to save money first.

      • renxkyoko August 16, 2011 at 8:48 pm #

        Your guy friend is an angel. You have to treasure his friendship.

        I have of course read your latest post and I’m, sooooo glad you’ve thrown out all that negativity. Annerifficweak, there are so many people whom you think are living a good life, free from stress, and always seem to be looking happy and contented, but , the truth is, they are as miserable as the next one. Can you imagine a parent, for example, who is despondent, because she /he doesn’t know where the next meal for the children will be coming from? We know of a family like that. But somehow they have survived. You must have had encountered a lot of disappointments, but I’m sure you can go past that. You say you feel fat… ( from your pics, you’re not fat… you should see more than 50% of American women…. they can barely walk), but is that one of those that make you feel miserable? Oh, that can easily be solved ! ! Oh, my gosh ! All you need is will power and to get used to small portions of food, and stick to it… let your stomach get used to small amounts, and use “platitos” , instead of dinner plates. I struggle with weight too, but, I think it’s all about will power. Ah, I wish I was there, so I could cheer you on, then we’ll go shopping and stuff. Cheer up, girl!

      • annerifficweak August 17, 2011 at 1:27 am #

        Yes, he is. I could never find another guy friend like him.

        Renxkyoko, how I wish i friend like you here in the Philippines. Thank you for always cheering me up.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: