2011 — A Year To Remember

2011 is almost over. A year that will always have a place in my heart. It consists of bittersweet memories. A year that may changed life forever. A year that I have to say good bye now. This year has a lot of memories. Happy days. Sad moments. The most challenging year of my life.

One of the best memories I have this year is when I finished my Bachelor’s degree. I am now a graduate of Bachelor of Nursing but I have decided not to take the board exam because it’s not something I have dreamed of. I cannot see myself working in a hospital. I love being a nurse. I love helping people who are sick. I love putting smile on my patient’s face. But it’s not meant for me. I am proud of the nurses around the world because they have one of the hardest jobs on earth. And I am proud of myself because I become a student nurse in my lifetime.

Another memories worth remembering this year is when I have my vacation in Boracay and Nueva Ecija. It’s been my dream to explore the beauty of the Philippines and of course to travel the world. And it’s special ’cause I’m with my friends. I am at the weakest point of my life when I go to those two places. At least, for a short period of time, I forget my problems and just enjoy life with my friends, with nature and with God.

Before the year ends, I have met a lot of amazing people from WordPress. People who give me hope. You know who you are and I will always be thankful for those people.

And most of all, the best thing that happened to me this year is when Keanu, my shih tzu, came into my life. He always brings joy to me. He never leaves me. He knows when I am lonely and sad. He looks at me whenever I am crying as if he’s telling me everything will be alright. That he’s there for me no matter what happens. He’s my baby. He’s my little brother. He’s just a dog but he gives meaning in my life.

But life is not always being happy. We have ups and downs. Life can be so unfair most of the time. This year, my uncle, the only person in this world who always tell me that he’s proud of me, died. He’s one of the best people in my life and yet he left us here. I remember his proud face when I graduated. The times when he talks to me. The times when he tells me I am one of the most intelligent people in our family. He will always stay in my heart and mind.

Aside from my uncle’s death, a lot of problems arise this year. Problems in our family. It is all because of money. The reason of our family war. The reason of my depression. The reason why I’ve decided to end my life. Not once but twice. It’s hard to decide on my life’s fate. The medicines I have taken, the blade, the cigarette, they are all part of my life. This is my darkest year. It’s hard to have a mental illness like mine. It’s hard when you don’t have support from your family. And most of all, it’s so hard when people judge you for what you’ve done. They think you have a disease like tuberculosis, HIV or any disease that can be contagious. They don’t want you to be near them. And they will spread gossips that you are crazy.

My life in 2011 maybe worse or much better than other people. We can’t tell. It is based on other people’s perception. But in this year, God has given me two chances to live. I can’t promise that I will not commit suicide again. Promises are made to broken, right? But what I want now is to forget all of the bad things that happened to me. It’s not easy but I’ll try my best. I want to start a new beginning. I want to forgive those people who hurt me. I want to have work. I want to travel the world. I want my dreams to come to life. I want my life to be normal. I want to be a strong person.

As I’ve said, it’s not easy but I’ll do my best to make it possible.

Say hello to 2012 and good bye to 2011.

Happy New Year everyone.

It’s Hard To Move On

I’ve started to see the light these past few days. I’m starting to look at the brighter side. With the my help of friends, WordPress people and my mom, I’m beginning to forget all the things from the past and I’m starting to move-on. Or that’s what I am making myself believe. This afternoon, all of the things my family have said and done to me start to pop in my head. I can hear their voices. I can feel their anger. And then I start to cry. It’s hard to forget my aunt, uncle and cousins have done. Instead of giving me love and support, they blame me for all the things that’s happening in our lives. Instead of comforting me, they put all my things outside their place and ask me to get the hell out of their house. They call me liar and crazy. Even my nephews and nieces believe that I am one and they tell them that I am going to hurt the kids. And much worse, they tell me that no one loves me. They have done enough damage in my heart and in my mind. The wounds in my heart are like the wounds in my hands. Until now, they are not yet healed and even though they are already healed, there are scars that will always remind me of the things from the past. I want to move on. I need to move on. I know a lot of people are helping me. My other cousins, my mom’s cousin, my mom, my friends and the WordPress people are all there to help me. But it’s hard to just forget everything. It’s hard to let the pain go away. I have forgiven my mom and she has forgiven me. She’s my mom, I love her and I’m willing to forget all the things she has said. But with my other relatives? I don’t know how long before I’ll begin to forgive and forget the things they have done.

My heart is in pain. My mind is troubled. My body is weak.

I’m not thinking of killing myself again but all I want is this pain to go away permanently and…

Forget the past and move on with my life.

Thank You Kuya Tom

I woke up this morning with an email from a friend named Tom Baker. I met him here in WordPress just a few days ago. We’ve been sending emails to each other ever since then. I call him Kuya Tom while he calls me Bunso Anne. Kuya means older brother in Tagalog while Bunso is youngest sister/brother. Since I am an only child, I feel like he is my older brother. He’s been helping me to cope up with my emotional problems and he makes sure than I am always fine. He’s been asking me not to tell anyone my address. I’m asking for book donations before I leave because of that I have to tell my address to everyone who wants to send books to me. He told me that not all people are trustworthy. And I agree with him. So to make it easier for me, he write a blog post about me and asks for some books. Instead of sending directly to me, you have to send it to him and then his friend Carl, will send it to my address. You can read his blog post for the details on how you can help me Good News Concerning Our Friend Anne .

To Kuya Tom, again thank you for all your help and concern. And I will never forget the things you’ve done for me for the rest of my life.

Much love,
Bunso Anne

Be A Strong Person

Yesterday’s Christmas and I was with my Ninang’s family. Not so happy though ’cause I didn’t know most of the people there. So let’s not just talk about how I spent my Christmas.

Today, I went to Pasay, at my Uncle’s place. My cousin/Ninong wanted me to go here so he could give his gift to me. But I still had to go to his place in Makati later to get it.

The real story about this blog was when I went to a clinic to have a check-up. (I still have the stitches from that incident). I went to a clinic near my Uncle’s place to finally removed my stitches. Of course, the doctor asked the story about my slashed-wrist incident. We talked about it, I cried, told her I couldn’t remember some things (she said I might have a selective amnesia/memory loss or post-traumatic amnesis/memory loss of what happened). Honestly, I couldn’t remember writing some of the blog post I’d written these past few days. The pictures of what happened to me was one of those things I couldn’t remember. There’s also an incident that I was in the beach, trying to drown myself. I didn’t know how I got there. So amnesia is true? Instead of just removing my stitches, she became a counselor. She told me that it’s miracle that I was still alive right now. Really, I should be dead right now but here I am, still alive. The first time I committed suicide, all my laboratory results were normal. And the second time, I took 27 tablets of Clonazepam and I slashed my wrist. I wasn’t hospitalized or even had a gastric lavage. They just stitched my wrist and that’s it. I lost more than 150 ml of blood plus with 27 tablets of Clonazepam, I should be in coma right now. It’s really a miracle. Maybe God really loves me and maybe I haven’t fulfilled my purpose in Earth. She told me that the first step to healing was to accept myself for who I am. I should also remember that there’s always someone out there who loves me. And I should love life.

She told me to be a strong person. Well, everyone said that I should be one.

But it’s hard to be one. I feel so weak or is it just in my mind? Maybe I should tell myself to be a strong person. That’s the only way to face my life challenges, right.

So Anne, you have to be strong, okay? Promise, yourself. Please, promise yourself.

PS: I have made one of the hardest decision in my life. I’ll tell you…

Soon.

Good Bye

I always believe that there’s always anew beginning whenever we say good bye. It’s not yet the end. It only gives you a second chance to make things right.

This week has been one roughest pace of my life. I almost ended my life but God let me live in this world again. Today I’m leaving Bataan. I’ll leave my family here. I’ll all the bad memories that happened. I’ll try to forget and forgive. I’m going to Manila later to start a new life. I’ll be living with my Ninang (Godmother) for awhile then maybe at my friend’s place until I already have a stable job. I’m leaving with only 2000 on my pocket. I know it’s not enough so I have to find a job as soon as possible. I’m still in the process of accepting the things that happened to me. Until now, I couldn’t sleep at night. I haven’t eaten for three days except for some crackers and water. My heart is still in pain. And I still look like a zombie. I still look lifeless. It’s not easy to move one especially if the ones who hurt you are your family. I don’t know if my dreams will ever come true now that I’m going to live independently. Good bye good bye good bye.

The hardest words to say. I have to say good bye to my nephews and nieces. We’re all crying. Sorry I’m such a cry baby. I cry a lot. Actually I’m crying right now. I have to say goodbye to my dog, Keanu. I might not ever see him again. My God, I can’t look at my dog’s face. He can feel that I am leaving.

Okay, enough of this drama. But before I leave, I want to say than you to those who helped me.

• Bryan – so okay, you’re reading my blog. But because of you, my bestfriend knew what happened to me. And BTW thank you ’cause she said that you’re worried about me and also I hate you for not replying when I BBMed you when I said thank you.
• Erlich – you’re the bestest friend I’d ever had. Thank you for all the encouraging words. And sorry if you couldn’t understand what I am saying when I called you. Thank you also to your parents because they always made me feel that I’m a part of your family.
• Ate Yang – thank you ’cause in everything that happened to me, you’re always there willing to help and for always reminding me that God is here to help me face all these challenges.
• Kim Patrick – we just talked a little but thank you. Because you still believed that I can face it all. You told me that I am a strong woman. And for telling me that you’ll never leave me. Friends forever right?
• Renxkyoko – my online friend. I know you got carried away by my stories but thank you ’cause you been always here to help. Although we’re miles apart and we didn’t know each other personally, I still consider you as one of my best friends. I hope to meet you soon. And I hope you’ve received my email.

There are so many people to thank for. Sorry I can’t tell it here all your names. It’ll be going to be the Guiness longest blog post if I do that. THANK YOU guys.

Good bye bad memories. Hello to my new life. 🙂

Stitches

These stitches would always remind all the pain, struggles and hurt that I experienced in my life. I would never forget the date August 24, 2011. The first time I committed suicide by taking 18 tablets of Mefenamic Acid. Recently, I did it again. Maybe I’m a psychotic. I am a suicidal. Last Friday, my mom and I fought because I asked for money. She’s not sending me money for three months and I had no more gadgets to sell. I was gonna used the money to have my passport and work as domestic helper/ nanny or caregiver in the nearby countries. She got angry and told things that I still never changed. I was still the same old Anne. I cried because until now she couldn’t forget the bad things that I’d done. The way I used her money to bought those gadgets that I thought would made me happy.. I thought she’d forgiven me but no. So I cried and then I saw my anti-anxiety drugs, Clonazepam. I knew from the start that overdosage of this drug may lead to comma. The doctor told me just to take 1/4 tablet to help me sleep. But on that day. I took 2 then I fell asleep. I wasn’t contented when I woke up. Then I took all the remaining tablets, 23 or 24 or 25. I couldn’t remember exactly how many. And then I bought a blade. I went to the room and slashed from left wrist. Real deep. Blood’s gushing down my shorts and floor. Then as I was slashing my right wrist, I collapsed. Maybe because of the drugs. Then I hear someone’s screaming. I couldn’t open my eyes. Somone’s carrying me. Then I woke up, still groggy I was at the clinic. They’re already cleaning my wounds. I knew one of the nurses there. Then I cried. I told her that I wanted to see Mom and Papa. I’d got 5 stitches and then we went home but I got a low grade fever. The next day I was shot with tetanus toxoid. I thought things will be different this time. Then my uncle and auntie came over. I couldn’t remember some of what their saying. But what they wanted to tell was I was a liar and I used my mom’s 100 thousand money. And she’s calling me an artist. You know the “paawa” affect. Because of that, I answered her back. “I’ve already sorry and punished myself because of that mistake but you never get over it. And also I didn’t stole it. I have my mother’s ATM card and she gave it to me. You’re telling the whole world that I’m a theft. But how about your daughter. How many times did she steal money from you, from your other daughter, from the NGOs money? I never told anyone about that but you, you want people to hate me.” Then she strted yelling and telling me that I shouldn’t mess with her family. And again, I was a liar according to them. And then I told her, you should stay away from our problems also because you’re just my uncle’s wife. Then my uncle slapped me really hard. A lot of people saw it. And he cursed that he’s going to kill me. I said, “go kill me. You think I’m afraid of dying?” And then after that my cousin, I don’t know why she’s annoyed but she keeps on getting mad at me. Telling me that I am crazy and I have schizo. And because I know a secret of her, I told the whole barangay that she’s having an affair with her daughter’s teacher. That’s the time she get all my things and told me to never come back.

I’m mad. I want revenge. I want them to see me successful. And those stitches and also the bruises I’ve got from the cigarettes, it will always remember what they did to me is unforgivable. I promise to God that they’ll kneel in front and will say sorry for what they did.

one Last Thought Before Sleeping

Okay this week was all about my suicide. You knew that my uncle slapped my face and told me he’s going to kill me. And then my auntie, the one who raised me up told me to get lost and just kill myself. I felt lost. I felt like no one loves me. I went to the beach. I though the waves gonna drown me. Then after that, I went to different stores to buy blade but they told they didn’t had one. Yes, I’m gonna use it to slash my carotid artery so I would die for sure. My friend saw me and tried to stop me from buying that thing. Then we went to my cousin’s house. We talked; me, my friend, my former tutor and my cousin’s husband. I was crying the whole. All I’d ever wanted was to kill myself and end my sufferings. I’m tried of this. No one really loves me. I don’t have a job to support my needs. I even sent messages to some of my friends saying thank you for the memories. And then, my friend Ryan Called me. He said that don’t do what I’m planning to do. Then our group, Ryan, Brent, Kim and Isay tweeted me that they’re giving me some money to help me start a new life. They know that I only have a few bucks in my pocket. Then I asked for my Ninang Beth. She said she’s going to send money next week after her hectic work. And my lesbian cousin’s girlfriend will also send me a little amount of money and will endorse me on her first job. My bestfriend Erlich asked if I want to stay with them then work at their mangi business. My former room mate Ate Arianne told me that she’s going to Bataan to take care of me or if I want, she’s going to send some money.And most of all, my Ninang Ofel told me that she never had a daughter and that maybe I’m the one she’s looking for. Well, I thank them for the help. But right now, all I want is Mom’s Forgiveness. Or maybe, I’ll attempt suicide again.

PS. My cousin whom I told you before who always neglect her children because of another guy, well, I found out that my things are outside their house. I do not live in their house now But I’m sleeping at one of my cousin’s house now. I don’t know where to go sleep next with my 220 pesos.

Maybe what I need to do now is sleep because people are talking that it feels like I don’t sleep at all.

Hopeless

I told you, depressions is taking over me. I hate my life. I hate them for doing this to me. I’m already for what big mistake that I did. Isn’t it enough that I don’t have money and I am just living with my cousin’s family? I got no money from my parents. I don’t have work. I only haVe 300 pesos I don’t know what to do.i I’ve tried searching for a job but I don’t qualify. I badly needed a job. My mind’s going crazy ’cause of my problems and no on is willing to help me.I don’t care if my job is about cleaning the toilets, collecting garbage, washing other’s clothes, becoming a housekeeper / nanny. I really don’t care. I just need to support myself. I want to be successful like those I’ve watched on tv. I already admitted my mistakes and I am ready to learn. I don’t want to live with my cousin anymore who’ve always telling me that she doesn’t have money to support my needs and my dog too. I’ve tried searching for jobs but I don’t qualify to be their employee. As I’ve said, I only have 300 pesos so I can’t start a business with just that kind amount of money. I asked Mom to give me money to prepare my papers going abroad. I know, I’m a nursing graduate and I’m only 20 years old to work as a domestic helper or nannny. I don’t care. But my mom, doesn’t agree with me. She’s not sending money to me. Even money to prepare my passport. How cool is that. I feel hopeless. My father has another family and for sure he’s not going to help me either. My relatives are financially unstable. I really want to go abroad to work. I can’t stand living here in the Philippines. If I just have at least 60000 in my pocket, maybe I’m already working abroad now.I don’t know where to ask help anymore. I’ve been crying the whole night. The truth, I want to kill myslef again. I’ve taken 27 tablets of Clonazepam already this morning. I don’t know why it hasn’t effected yet. I want to killed myself. No one’s willing to help me financially, emotionally and mentally. My friend’s their all gone. They’s just there when they need me. When I still have money. Even my relatives are like that. But now, they’s all gone. I’ve been good to them but now, I’m the worst person in the world for them. I also sell my two possessions before so I have somethinng to used for my everyday need. Now I only have my dog, my camera and a phone. I forget to tell you, I’m not living in our house because my mom doesn’t want to. And my dad, he doesn’t care about me. He has his own family. I’m really tired. I promised not to do the suicide thing again but what’s happening, without someone helping my financial needs or just helping me to work abroad, I’m sorry I have to do this. Before wrting this blog, I’ve already take almost 30 tablets of Clonazepam. I can’t stand straight now. I’m feeling drowsy. I wish I’ll have a comatose in one hour, two hours, three hours or more. I just need someone who can lend me money to start my new life. I just want someone who will love me like I want to be love by family. DREAMS DO NOT COME TRUE!

Good bye world. Goodbye wordpress friends. It’s nice reading you thougths. It’s nice sharing my problems with you.

Christmas Wish

This blog is my shortest blog ever.

I only want two things this Christmas.

Work and Mom’s forgiveness.

Be Resposible!

Okay, I’m a little pissed off right now with someone right now. She’s 30 years old, married and with two kids. She got pregnant with her first baby 5 or 6 months before her college graduate. That was nine years ago. She got married after her graduation with the father of her child. In nine years, she played the role of a housewife. And recently, I think 3 months ago, her husband went abroad to work. And that’s the time this girl started to get into my nerves. She told me that she had textmates even before her husband went to work in another country. And now, one of her childhood friends (a friend of her husband too) told her that he had a crush on her. And this girl told the guy that she had a crush on him too. What the heck??? Did she forget that she’s already married? Oh, and I forgot to tell you that this guy was her daughter’s teacher. Yep! So she made her child an excuse just to see that guy. All I could hear from her was this guy’s name. I told him that she should stop seeing that guy and stop talking about him ’cause just hearing the guy’s name made my ears bleed. And most all, she’s already committed with someone and she had two kids! Her husband is working hard abroad just to give her and their kids a better future and in just three months, she’s doing something like that. Ooh, there’s more. She’s drinking with her friends while her kids were wandering and playing. And it was night time. Her mother told her to go home but she insisted to stay with her friends. What a responsible mother!!!! Sometimes, I wanted to slap her so she would realize the things she’s doing.

I don’t know what to say to her anymore. I understand that she didn’t enjoy her teenage years because of having a family in an early age. But she also think of her kids, her family.

I pity the kids. I pity her husband. I pity her.